Hair, hair, and more hair....

...and even EYELASHES!!!

My angels...

Every step of the way this year I've had angels surround me...the biggest one has always been my husband. Here we go again, no exception.......he told me to schedule the surgery....we'd figure it out......this man who has our entire family on his shoulders and has fought every step of the way with me in this battle is once again stepping up and carrying more than anyone should be expected to.....all for me.........all to allow me to have the best life possible.......he is my rock, he is my constant, he is my hero....surgery scheduled...the Thursday before Thanksgiving!

Just when I thought it didn't matter...

So we were nearing the time of my plastic surgery consult & the bottom fell out again financially. It ain't like we're gonna live on the street or anything but some things changed at hubby's work so things tightened and I wasn't prepared for Christmas yet before it did. I decided that I was gonna cancel my consult cuz we really couldn't afford the time that he'd hafta take off to be with me for even a few days....well, chemo brain kicked in and suddenly the day was upon me that I got the 'reminder' call from the surgeon's office. To cancel 24 hours before would cost me only 10 less dollars than taking the dang appointment and hubs wanted me to anyway to see what all this would entail. We went. WOW! I was just thinking a little nip and tuck and some bags stuck in me and viola!! Uhhhhh, no........(graphic part comin' again, you've been warned).....he would remove both my nipples (& I guess stick em in a pan for later, lol), make incisions under both breasts in the creases. Now the healthy (or should I say 'non mangled' since now they're both healthy, just one looks a bit battled) breast will get another incision from the crease to where the nipple was and folded under one another to lift and then a saline implant will be stuck in there. The mangled one will get the same treatment except he will also add some 'process skin' to plump up the part underneath that was removed with the cyst at the beginning of the year. He wants to go saline instead of gel cuz it really won't be an exact science with this surgery as to what size they'd end up being considering the reconstruction of my left size. It'd be what it'd be to get them symmetrical in the end. At the end of it, he'd reattached my nipples in the correct place to my new shape. Okay, I could handle all that.......the recovery time.....5-6 weeks without lifting my baby!!!!! I can't go 5-6 weeks without lifting him, it just wasn't possible....no go.....when hubs & I left the office I found a feeling in myself I'd never expected.........sadness........it took me a bit to grasp why.....I really didn't care about what I looked like right now in clothes cuz with the right bras, you couldn't tell I was lopsided.....my husband didn't care about what it looked like..........it dawned on me that I did....not becuz of the aesthetics of it (I'm gonna have quite a bit of permanent scarring after the surgery) but becuz of the reminder of it....I was healthy now and I knew that....but when I looked at my breasts in the mirror, they reminded me I WAS sick....I found myself wanting them to be all round and even again...the scars would remind me of my journey, but the reconstruction would remind me of my VICTORY....

What's Normal?!?!

Well I haven't posted in a couple of weeks and I realized becuz I had taken some time to be normal again.....if normal means trying to grow hair, straighten out my toenails, drop 40lbs of steroid weight & soul search over breast reconstruction...all while taking care of my home & family and their crazy schedules!! Yep, but that's normal now...and I'll take it!!
I've begun the next chapter & have made an appointment for consultation with a plastic surgeon to see what we can do about straightening out my crazy butchered up boobs! I'm still not sure if I'm going to do it but I want to know what my options are. I wonder if he'll throw in some lipo on my insurance since it was the steroids that plumped me up...lol...I'm gonna hafta ask that!!!

Cauliflower ear....

I had so many phone calls to make...my husband, my Dad, my in-laws, my best friend, the girls who had come over so many weekends during the past months just to lift my spirits, my attorney & friend who had been & was continuing to fight on my behalf the idiot doctors that got me screwed up, soooooo many phone calls....great and wonderful phone calls....and I found myself loving to tell my news more & more as the calls went thru...it was a glorious day!

The very longest morning of my life....

I woke up Wednesday morning, got the kids off to school & waited, & waited, & waited...around 11am I thought it might just be time to take matters into my own hands. I called my aunt who works for my GP to see if we had any word...none...but she gave me a different fax number to give the lab so I called to check in. The lab lady was wonderful. She told me that the results had been sent to my oncologist but the number she had for my GP didn't work & understood how anxious I was so she'd rush them over to him. I decided to give a call to my oncologist's office too. I didn't want to get the results from him, especially if they weren't good, cuz I had a better relationship with my GP. The oncologist's receptionist told me he usually made those phone calls at the end of the day so she'd leave him a message. By this time it was noon & I knew everyone would be at lunch so I was gonna have another hour to wait...my phone rang at 12:30 and the caller id said it was my oncologist's office....I held my breath cuz if he usually made those calls at the end of the day & he was calling me during lunch, it might be very bad news...
I answered the phone and at the other end was the head nurse that did my chemo sessions...I asked her how she was doing...her exact response 'I'm doing good, but YOU'RE doing GREAT!'...that took a second to set in...I asked her what that meant exactly and she explained to me that my scan showed NO cancer...NONE!!
I thanked her for calling me so early and as I hung up the phone, I collapsed on the porch floor...I sobbed...I don't think I even realized how stressed out I'd been...I couldn't stop crying and finally these tears were good ones...I did sit & think a minute of the many months back that I had sat on the same porch with tears falling down my cheeks and wondering if I'd even be in this world by the end of the year...now I sat here, same tears, same cheeks, very different emotions.

As The World Turns...

Tuesday, Sept 14th was the date of my PET scan. It was time to find out where we were really at...every other scan I had was at 9am in the morning and this one was scheduled for 11, so I was kinda afraid that I wouldn't get the results the same day as I had in the past. My terminally late husband went into the office that morning and was, of course, late getting home for me to leave...now that presented more than one problem...first, my biggest pet peeve in life is being late...second, my nerves were already frazzled and waiting for him to be 10 minutes late seemed like an hour & just set my mood on end...and third, and most importantly, there are some labs that won't let you come in late and I wasn't sure if this was one of them so I had to make the 35 minute drive worrying that I wasn't even gonna get this test done today...I got there 15 minutes late and the receptionist called back to the tech & thankfully she told her she'd get me in. I did my thing, knew the drill, and took care of business...I went home anticipating that phone call from my GP telling me what the results were...I waited, I waited, I waited...when 5pm came & went, I knew I was in for the next morning...I was beginning to wonder how they were going to treat the ulcers they were giving to me, lol...

Hit by a truck...

It's strange to me that my oncologist gave me 7 rounds of chemo meds he called 'the strongest stuff' we could put into my body &, I'm not saying it was easy, but it wasn't a fourth as bad as these 'maintenance' meds. The nurse warned me before the first one that the side effects of these were pain but the first 2 rounds of them I took were, to say the least, a piece of cake compared to this last one. I'm assuming that the meds have just built up in my system so it's wreaking some serious havoc on any bad stuff left in my body. My fingers & toes tingle & are numb. My feet feel like I just jumped off the roof onto a concrete floor with no shoes. My stomach has been turning for 2 days. My joints all ache like they're on fire. It's crazy! I also have this wonderful eye condition that I get normally called ocular migraines. My vision goes into this tunnel state where I can only see directly in front of me. It only lasts about 15 minutes if I can lay down & shut my eyes, but the headache I get later is brutal. It's not an actual migraine, thank Goodness, but it sucks nonetheless. Well, I guess these meds trigger those too cuz usually I only get them maybe once every other month or so but I've had like 4 of them in the last couple days. I'm trying to look on the bright side of all this cuz first and foremost, I'm hoping this is the last chemo I have to take, but also becuz my experience with chemo has been so easy compared to the majority of people who take it. It's hard to look on that bright side when every fiber of my body is aching, but I'm trying....

Bittersweet

As anyone who has already walked this path can tell you, everytime you come to the time for your next PET scan, it is very emotional. Today I took my 10th round of chemo & scheduled for my PET in 2 weeks. The oncologist says that if this one comes back clean then we can start using the word remission and the 10th would be my last chemo. However, he also said if there is anything on it, depending on what, we'll still give my body a break, drop back and make the next plan. That last part is, of course what rings in my head. There's no reason to think that this one will not be as good as the first. After all I took it after only 3 sessions of chemo and ALL the cells had retreated to undetectable. I've only had more poison swimming around in my body, so the chances are that this scan should be good too. It's hard though not to let those demons come sneaking back into my head. I talked about them in my posts when I first was diagnosed stage IV. They're the ones that want you to doubt your body, your doctors, your treatments, and yourself. They weaken you and your spirit & body. They give the mighty cancer a chance to sneak in and take over. It's hard to fight them. They tell me that if there is anything on this scan after all the chemo I've been thru that my chances to survive this aren't good. They tell me to be scared. They tell me to hide under the covers from the world where my allies that have been helping me to stay strong live. They want me weak. They want me to give up. They want me.
This is where my faith comes in. Those pink bracelets that say 'Feed faith, starve fear' are my inspiration. That is why they are so dear to me. They remind me that nothing can take me out of this world if I don't let it. They remind me that I am stronger than the cancer. They remind me that I have an incredible husband & 3 fantabulous kids that not only want me here, but NEED me here. They remind me that God is stronger than those demons. They remind me to fight, to stay strong, to overcome, and to pray---not only to pray but to listen, listen to what God tells me cuz He is invincible!
I will try to put the worries out of my mind in the next couple of weeks and let the meds do their thing, but I know come a couple of days before that PET, my anxiety will rise. It's a normal reaction & I just can't let it take over!

Beyond words...

It is exactly that, beyond words, the success we had last weekend for the Rockin' for Breast Cancer Benefit. There had to be 500 people out at the ranch. We had two great bands play. The guys are all great friends of mine & they put together a rendition of Nickelback's Rock Star for me at the end of the night which just brought tears to my eyes. The fact that they took the time to learn a song that I just love just for me was so touching. We had a raffle with about a million things donated to give away & an auction with some really incredible stuff like vacation get aways. I haven't gotten the final tally on the money raised but it was climbing over $12,000 this week so I'm excited to get that number. It's incredible the generosity and kindness of the evening and I'm overwhelmed by all the wonderful people I got to meet. I've been completely exhausted this week & trying to catch up on some rest & recuperate but it was well worth it for the amount of money we raised for Susan G Komen!