TOPLESS!

So I took the baby & went over to my Dad's today. I picked up my bandanna as I was walking out our door & decided that I was pretty tired of wrapping things around my head so I tossed it in the diaper bag & set off. I stopped at the store & wandered in & got a few glances, but nothing more than I would probably do if I saw a bald chick. I went on to my Dad's & we decided to take the baby to visit Grandma at work (she works at a bank), have lunch, & do some shopping. I asked him if he'd feel uncomfortable with me going without my bandanna since I had a bit of hair now...God bless him, he told me he'd of been comfortable with me out when I didn't have one hair on my head...so off we went...it's funny cuz I thought that I'd be a bit self conscientious but as we went thru our day, I completely forgot what I looked like...okay, except for when we wandered thru Walmart & one little boy, about 11, stared at me...then I remembered but only for a minute. When hubby got home from work tonight I told him about my topless journey. Much to my surprise he gave me a big ole high five!! He's told me all the way thru that he thought I was beautiful bald, but it's kinda his job to tell me that...LOL...the baby is spending the night with my Dad tomorrow night so that hubs & I can get out & catch some friends' band that's playing...hubby suggested I go tomorrow night without a wrap...hmmmm, I'm not sure if I've got the nerve for that yet, but we'll see...my confidence gets stronger by the day...stay tuned...

Happy anniversary to us!

Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary! It's funny cuz 'they' say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...yeah, whatever...that may be true for those who don't go thru finding out you're having a baby at 40 AND having cancer all in the second year...
Breast cancer is thought of so much as a 'chick' disease but it's ridiculous how much it affects so much more than just the patient...your spouse, kids, extended family, friends...the list goes on...my husband has been so much more than incredible in this crazy crisis...since day one he's been venomous in defending my health. I know that he was as scared as I was when he found out what we were facing...we'd only been married a year and a half and he was facing losing his wife and not knowing if his newborn son would have a Mom to raise him...his emotions were just as crazy, spastic, and raging as mine...but he kept it together...and not just kept it together, but wouldn't for one minute let ME not focus on the positives. He has stood strong thru soooo much adversity that added to the ridiculousness of our cancer journey as well...he is simply amazing! The mind has so much control over the body and I can't imagine if I didn't have him to keep me focused and uplifted, where my health might be and I truly credit him for helping to save my life! Adversity can kill a relationship if the partners can't come together and learn to fight the fight (whatever it may be) as a team and so many times couples get torn apart during those times...I am so truly blessed to have a man that wouldn't let me shut down, shut anyone out, or give up on myself...his strength has been part of my therapy! Though 2/3 of our kids are away right now and we don't have one extra penny for romantic dinners out or presents, when I kissed him goodbye this morning, I felt so fortunate to just have him in my life, to have and to hold, til death do us part, and becuz of him...I plan on that being a loooooong life!!

Hair raising II...

Just wanted to post a couple of pics showing my hair that's coming back in...it ain't much but it's more than I've had in a while!!

What the doctor DIDN'T order...

It's been a rough week mentally cuz like I posted last, I've felt weak. It scares ya that that may mean you're relapsing somehow....but today was just what the doctor didn't order cuz he doesn't treat my soul...
my hubby had told me about a friend of his at work who has a dear female friend that was just diagnosed. Hubby had gotten to witness to her about our situation and he came home that day so rejuvenated in our fight. Well, I got to speak to her today. I took the hubs lunch & met his friend, who in turn, called her. She was soooo sweet and so wonderful telling me how I was an inspiration to her...what she doesn't understand is how much SHE helped ME today. Sometimes I just want this all over and I lose sight of how much I must continue to fight and just how lucky I am to be where I am today. She was a reminder of that...the fight never ends and the spirit has so much control over the body...there is a purpose for everything and my progress doesn't just affect me and my family but the attitudes and progress of other people and their families that are in this fight that are following my journey...I left hub's work with a refreshed attitude and I dearly needed that!!! Thanks dear new friend!

I used to love rollercoasters...

...but not so much anymore since my life has seemed like one big one, and this one hasn't been fun most of the time!
Where to start over the last couple of weeks...I guess with the stresses of home. Now one of the things that most 'natural healers' think about cancer is that stress is definitely not a friend. That's true of so many diseases of the body and cancer is no different. It's felt that it weakens your body, mind, & soul and allows the cancer down time to feed while your not on top of your game. My husband is changing jobs...now that's the good part cuz it's a place he wants to be and the financial opportunities are great but to get here was not the best of days. He loved where he was and so many of the people he worked with. There were things that we've gone thru doing my journey that they were all very supportive of (I wrote about the month they gave him off right after I was diagnosed to be with our family)...what I have left out along the way were the 'other' people...the ones that had no regard for other people, just their own profit...there were times that hubby was offered great opportunities to be with us but it came at the sacrifice financially of greedy people and we'd never know that until it was too late...it was amazing to me that there are those kinds of individuals in the world that don't see this rock we live on from a vantage point any further than the tip of their nose. I wondered at times if it'd of mattered to them that just by their actions how much they affected someone else's entire health & quality of life...it's a vague description, I know, but suffice it to say that the bad finally overcame the good that he got from his job & it was time to make a change.
Here comes more guilt. I have taken care of myself since I was 20 years old. I've worked in the bar & restaurant industry for most of that and made a good living. Even in times when I had a partner, I've always been able to carry my own load plus. My husband wanted me to be a stay at home mom after we sold our last business back in 2007 and I agreed but always knew in the back of my head that I had a job skill I could always rely on if at any time we needed it. We haven't but it was always a solace. It's hard now cuz I'm not physically capable of being in the atmosphere that I used to work in...it makes me feel helpless...more than helpless cuz I feel I put sooooo much more on my husband's shoulders with all the medical bills...he's such a strong man and never lets me wallow in that but I can't help but feel responsible for that added stress of him having to do it all himself...even worse, the stress I get from us being in a financial position to tell one of our kids no to something that usually would've been no big deal...it can be heart wrenching...
The good news is that hubs has landed the job he wanted and it looks that it's going to be a bright spot on the horizon as long as we can juggle enuff to get thru the next few weeks. It's a good time to be strapped if there is such a thing cuz our oldest is out of town visiting his mom for the summer and our middle one is taking a trip with her dad for a few weeks too, so at least we know they are having an opportunity to enjoy their summer break somehow even tho it kills us both that we're not the ones providing it for them.
Just having done my last chemo this past week, I'm waiting on my weekend ickiness that we've come to expect and with all this going on, I have felt very weak. I'm assuming (cuz I only got my own experiences to draw from) that it's not uncommon when you're feeling weak to worry even more...those thoughts of 'is the cancer winning' come crawling thru my brain and it's hard at times to suppress them. I'm trying my best and my husband is doing all he can do, to keep the spirits high regarding it all...I am truly blessed to have this man by my side during this journey cuz there are times I truly believe he is saving my life!

...today was another small step for mankind...okay, just for me...

So I had my last 'big dawg' chemo today...by that, it was the last chemo I take of this particular cocktail...I've been told by my doctors and nurses that I've been on the harshest meds they do and we stretched it to 7 treatments (they say they'll only usually do 6 max on people) cuz my body was handling it and reacting to it so well...there are days I'm not so sure I agree with that...now we're onto 3 (actually my oncologist said 2 or 3, but we've gotten to know him well enuff to know to always lean towards the bigger number with him) maintenance chemo sessions. They will still be 3 weeks apart so there goes the concept that maybe I could get my reconstruction over the summer, but oh well, that's just a bit longer I have to actually make that decision. The nurse told me today that there are no nausea side effects for the next sessions but the pain factor doubles...errrrrr, there are a few days each treatment that I feel like every joint I have is swelling thru my skin and most of the cells I have are on fire....double that?!? I could of done without that info, I think...kinda makes me nervous...we'll be back to the first treatment when we sat around for a few days waiting for something to happen & I just hope it's EXACTLY like that one cuz nothing ever did...
My hair on my head is starting to grow back a bit...I'm fuzzy with some very big sprinkles of gray...I deserve them, I think...my eyelashes are starting to grow back as well...not enuff to put mascara on yet, bummer, but we'll get there...I love my mascara! However, on the nose hair front, they're still gone...bigger bummer...LOL
So for now, we're takin' our (and by that I mean I'm taking & hubby is reminding) nausea meds & trying to stay hydrated and waiting til Saturday to start eating Motrin like Pez to try to stay ahead of the pain...so far, so good...

Blood from a turnip....

It amazes me, in this economy where people are declaring bankruptcy and don't have the money to pay bills, that when you try to do the right thing, you're met with rudeness...the fun with the medical bills begin...I had one of the places I've had to go for PET scans call becuz I have a balance due to them. I know this, I get my mail. She started with asking me which credit or debit card I'd like to pay the balance with...what?!?! Yep, I have credit cards just laying around to slap a couple of grand on...are you kidding me!? Now this isn't a bill I've ignored. I've had to see them twice and paid them over $500 in those two visits and just sent another payment a couple of days ago. I told her this and she told me we could set up a payment plan. Okay, I can do that, I've done that with all $15,000 worth of bills I've accumulated thus far. This just happened to be the one person I hadn't called myself first. So she goes on to ask me if $200 a month was good....uh, noooo...I have 3 children, regular bills, and about a dozen doctors and specialists to send money to every month...she proceeds to tell me that $200 is the least they can accept...what?!! The least you can accept!?! I'm sitting here willing to send you at least some money every month instead of ignoring you and letting it all drift into collections and you're telling me that what I can pay isn't good enuff...how many people pay you nothing?! How many people don't bother to try?! What makes your business any more or less important than the surgeon who removed my cyst, the hospital he did it in, the anesthesiologist, my oncologist, the chemo they're putting in my system, the labs that have to be run on me?! Would you prefer I don't pay them and let the cancer kill me so you can close my account entirely?! This woman had no answers for me other than 'we can't do that'...I unfortunately lost my cool by the end of this conversation and told her she'd hafta do what she had to do with my account cuz I was totally done talking to her...and these people deal with cancer patients on a regular basis and this is how they treat people who are willing to try to do the right thing...hmmmmm, thanks for ruining my day, lady, cuz I hadn't been reminded in a few days how helpless cancer can make you feel!

Pink is my new favorite color!

It's amazing to me how much a little rubber bracelet can put people at ease. I started wearing breast cancer bracelets a few weeks ago and it seems that opened the flood gate to questions...I know some people who go thru this want to keep it private but considering the fact I'm writing a blog on the internet I guess it goes without saying that I'm very vocal about my journey. Awareness is the key and I will shout that from the rooftops. I love my little bracelets. My kids wear them, my husband wears one, and I've given out a couple dozen of them along the way. People see my bald head or a bandanna tied around it and wonder, but they see my bracelet and it's like it opens the door for them to ask and gives me the opportunity to share whatever part of my journey might be beneficial to them...early detection if it's a young person I'm talking to, the importance of spousal support if it's a man, whatever the subject needs to be...I'm linking myself to this little website 'The Long Road Home' cuz they have a few cute little different bracelets they're selling...the messages on them are different but the pink color still screams cancer warrior! Check them out if you get a minute on my links page and know that they support Susan G Komen with their proceeds!
There's nothing sexier for my husband to wear than his 'Real men wear pink' tshirt!

Taken for granted

I've had a few achy days in the past couple of sessions but man, I think I took how well I've been doing thru chemo TOTALLY for granted...Saturday night after my Tuesday chemo, I started getting achy as usual and woke up Sunday feeling like I got hit by a truck....that's been pretty much how it's run the last couple of sessions, but I didn't know where we were going....the hubby had been sick last week and I'd chased him around with Lysol for days. Once he started acting better, I got lax...MISTAKE!! I guess in my weakened state, I did get a bit of his bug...the cough, the sneezes, feeling like my brain was leaking out my nose...
alas, that lasted for 4 days when the past sessions have only seen maybe a couple of days of aches and pains...won't be looking that gift horse in the mouth again.
One of my most interesting notations of chemo has been the steroid/tongue tug-o-war....they give you steroids to boost your appetite (and if weight is a sign of health, the 20lbs I've gained in the past 18 weeks must mean I'm healthy again). Chemo is poison and it kills fast growing cells in your body. Each session has attacked my tongue...it looks like I have a raging case of thrush...pleasant, I know, but I warned ya I'd be graphic at times...it hurts like someone sliced your tongue open and poured orange juice in it...you really don't have much taste at all...I haven't experienced the metal taste in my mouth since the first couple of sessions, but I think I'd rather have the metal taste than this ache...but alas, I digress my point...I can't taste much of anything and to be honest, don't really wanna eat much that will aggravate the pain in my mouth, yet I'm on the steroids and have an appetite like a starving horse...irony, huh? Oh well, maybe I should take the week of 'mangled tongue' to drop a couple of those huge pounds I've accumulated...LOL

Unanswered questions....

I've had quite a few people message me to ask why I'm not using names in my blog...as far as my husband and kids go, I don't want to publicize them...my older two kids are old enuff to have plenty of friends that are computer literate and I just think their privacy is the most important thing. Their friends know a bit of what we've been thru and some of them have even seen my bald head, but it's my kids' story to tell to whom they chose of their circle, not mine...as far as my husband goes, he wasn't home when I started this blog...without asking him, I was protecting him as I am my kids...since then, he's read this whole thing and has no problem with me using his name and I prolly will at some point without even thinking about it...he's been so supportive, my rock, my shoulder to lean and to cry on, my best friend to share all my fears and tears, and my constant...there are no words to describe this man who, in the face of his own anger and fear, has never wavered one bit in making sure that me and our children had his constant attention, love, and guidance...WOW, thru all I've written about, that was the first time I've had tears while I typed cuz there is just no way to explain how this man has helped to save my life in sooooo many ways...
As far as the doctors are concerned in my case, I have chosen not to publicly share them, both good and bad, for their privacy as well...no doubt there will be a bit of litigation involved from some, what we consider, careless actions, to say the least, and until that's done and over, I would be glad to share via email who they were if anyone is concerned that lives in my area. I would also be more than happy to share privately the names of my GP, radiologist, oncologist, and surgeon who have taken care of me since February becuz, quite frankly, they're the best!!
It's hard not to write in graphic detail about the anger my hubby and I have over the original doctors who handled my, and I use this word loosely, care...an OB who ignored my constant complaints of pain, a radiologist and breast specialist who, despite my history and questions, ignored doing the most important tests and instead chose to poke, prod, and needle me to the point of torture (and possibly the spread of cancer throughout my body)...we both just want to scream their names from the hilltops and tell people to stay away...but thru this experience of cancer, I am trying to learn a trait I've always been lacking on, and that's patience...patience that in the end they will not only understand what they did to me, but did to my husband, my kids, my parents, my in-laws, my friends, by putting me in a position to wonder just how long I might be on this earth....these doctors are just people and I don't ever expect people not to make mistakes, but carelessness in a profession they've chosen when the signs are written on the wall in fluorescent paint is unforgivable.
It's a wonderful lesson that I've learned that, no matter what you do for a living, you never know just exactly what action you take, decision you make, or word you say might affect countless of other people down the road...