Radiation 101

First thing in the morning, I got a call from the radiologist office. It was a girl who happened to be the sister of my my Mother's best friend, the nurse at the doctor's office she worked at before she died. She had recognized my name on their appt book and decided to throw herself into action. She got my appt that day switched to the other office where we could get all the prep work done to start radiation ASAP, instead of having to spread it out over a couple of days. She also explained to me some of the facts of radiation. There are little to no side effects, with the exception that you hair falls out in the treated area. Yep, I was gonna lose my hair again. At least this time, I get to keep my eyebrows & lashes. There was some fatigue but with all the healing from the breast surgery, I'd prolly not notice that much & I was going back on the steroids to help that anyway. Oh joy, let's gain another 10 pounds! It was good to talk to a familiar voice though, and it did calm my nerves a bit.
Hubby took me to see the radiologist. This is the same woman I saw in the beginning who didn't want to do radiation cuz I had no tumors in my body. She's 6'5"...I'm not kidding....and just such a comforting soul. She explained to me first and foremost that I was NOT to look at this as 'here I go again' cuz that wasn't the case. Our brains have a saran wrap shield around them and these spots were prolly there before but the PET couldn't see them. Also, as far as chemo, the meds don't get to your brain becuz of that shield unless it is given directly into the spine for brain, which mine was not. My chemo worked beautifully just as it should and there was no reason to think that the radiation wouldn't do the exact same thing to these...gulp, tumors....in my head. She said she was very 'cautiously optimistic'. She also told me that we'd do about 3 weeks, every day but weekends, all over my head, then spend about a week concentrating on the one bigger one that was pressing against my brain that was surely causing this vision problem. She said if all went as planned, my vision would be just fine. Okey doke, then....
The nurse took me back and explained to me that we had to make a mask that would steady my head for my treatments. It was an eerie hot mesh that laid over my head and hardened. We finished that up in about 10 minutes and I was done for the day to report back to the closer office the next morning for my first radiation treatment.
I was numb. Brain cancer. Tumors. Radiation. It was hard not to feel like 'here we go again' but I had to keep thinking the same way as the first time....'Trust the doctors, trust the meds, trust God'

Another day the earth stood still...BRAIN CANCER

Finally the nurse came out and handed me this huge envelope with what looked like xrays in it. She told me my GP wanted me to bring these back over to his office....as I walked out & got in my car, I called my hubby. This can't be good. What would my doc need ME to bring these RIGHT over? Hubs tried to calm my nerves telling me not to over think it til I was over there. I went into the office & my 2 aunts that work there funneled me back to one of their offices in the very back cuz the doc was with his last patient. I sobbed. Then I bawled. I knew from their reactions something was wrong......very wrong.....again.....
Doc finally came in and wrapped his arm around me. He slowly explained to me that there were 'spots' on my MRI. These spots would need radiation. RADIATION?!? That means brain cancer!!! He tried to calm me down enuff so that I could understand that I needed to see the radiologist immediately and that the nurse was making me an appointment. He assured me that they were very small spots and he had every confidence in the radiation to take care of it.
I insisted on driving home alone. I needed time to clear my head. Unfortunately, clearing it didn't help...it just presented more questions. How did this get missed in the PET scans? Why didn't the chemo get it? Was it not there before and cancer grew in less than a month in my head? What's radiation treatment anyway?
I went home and fortunately, hubby was off and stuck by the kiddos and let me go to bed. It was almost as bad as a year ago when I was first diagnosed but this time I did fall asleep for quite awhile. Unfortunately for the hubs though, I woke up at 4am in terror!! Waking from a nightmare is a good thing....waking into one....not so good!

Screwy little eyeballs...

The last half of January I started getting a spot in my eyesight. It was like when you look up in the sun and it's a gray spot, but this didn't seem to be going away and it was always in the same spot. It made me nervous and I gave it a week to see if it'd subside. It didn't and I decided that, considering all my past experiences, that I wouldn't put off a visit to the doctor. I went to see my GP just for a visit & to show him the new pups, then off to the eye doctor...The eye doc took a look and said he thought I had a patch burned into my visual field from the optical migraines I get. Unfortunately, he thought it also would be a permanent spot. UGH! He still wanted me to go get an MRI to be sure all was good. I went that afternoon for that....I've never done an MRI and I gotta say...UCK! I'm not claustrophobic, I quite enjoy my PET scans where they strap me all warmly bundled to a table and shoot me into an open ended tube for a 30 minute nap...but this thing was different. I was on a table and they put ear buds in my ears (cuz it's loud), then they put my head in an open box & stuff it with cotton on both side. Lastly there's a plastic mask thing that goes over your face. The face thing I could handle but the sensory deprivation from everything being muffled almost made me come out of my skin and this thing last for 45 minutes!! I hated it!!! Not to mention the pressure that still comes down on my chest when I lay completely flat on my back for too long....oh well, it was done...finally....
The nurse told me to wait in the waiting room so the doctor could make sure it was done right. I sat there for about 10 minutes....I began to wonder what was taking so long....15 minutes, 20 minutes.....okay, my mind is just in overdrive now....

Been a while...

Well, I spent the better part of the last couple months healing from the reconstruction. It's been a bit rough cuz I'm just so sick of hurting all the time somewhere. Hubby keeps reminding me we are in the final stage and that it will all be over soon. I know he's right about the breast surgery but in December I had to get another PET scan and every time one of those roll around, I'm a bit nervous on what it's gonna say. No worries this time, though, cuz once again, it was clean!! We celebrated Christmas this year in grand fashion with a new outlook on the future!!

Under the knife....AGAIN

I went in on Thursday morning for my surgery. I was there at 10am and then got told my surgery wouldn't be until after 1pm...that's a long time to think about it! I was sure tho cuz this was the last step I needed and after almost having to cancel cuz of babysitting concerns, I got to find out how much I wanted this done. My hubby sat in the prep room with me for those hours. He & I are very good now at finding ridiculous things to make fun of in doctors' offices and hospitals. We didn't quite expect one little extra that day though. As I was laying in the bed with him sitting beside me, we heard a familiar voice talking to one of the other patients waiting. It was the so called 'breast specialist' that gave me the ancient Chinese needle torture (or at least that's what we've come to call it) at the beginning of the year. She was explaining to someone what she was gonna do to them and all I wanted to do was yell out "come take a look at where she got me!!" but alas, my very wonderful attorney told me to keep my big mouth shut (did I mention she knows me very well, lol) so, I kept my big mouth shut...
It was finally my turn and they wheeled me back as I said goodbye to hubs. Down the hall, take a left, take a right, and into the operati.........DONE.......the next thing I remember vaguely is being in a wheelchair, already dressed, being rolled out to the car....GONE AGAIN....next memory, I saw my Mom-in-law sitting on the couch at home as hubby was directing me to the bedroom....uh-oh, OUT AGAIN...next memory, hugging both our big kiddos (air hug) over the side of my bed.....BYE BYE....I woke up about 2am with hubs by my side watching tv in bed. I was somewhat coherent at this point. He told me the doctor was thrilled with his results and how he had the nurses in the OR keep lifting me up & down to see where he needed to work on me next. He also said that he'd put the implants under the muscle. We hadn't discussed doing that, and actually had discussed doing going the easiest route possible...Doc said when he got in there & reconstructed the left mangled one and lifted the right one, that he just knew I wouldn't be as happy with them if he'd of just shoved the implants under the skin. They would be more real, better positioned, and ultimately 'healed in' properly under the muscle. Since we told him to do whatever he thought best, that was fine with me. I was actually glad he went that route once he was in there cuz I knew he was right on them looking and feeling better that way but I'd of been sooooo much more nervous about recovery if I'd of known he was going to do it that way. I've had many gfs tell me the pain is worse under the muscle. So, here we were, reconstructed, lifted, and implanted...

Almost more terrifying than cancer...

I've scheduled my pre-op appointment for my surgery where they do all the measurements & pictures & stuff. It's actually this upcoming Thursday. Everyday as I go about my daily routine around the house & with the baby, I'm getting more and more terrified. I'm not scared of surgery. I know some people have fear of anesthesia and getting put under, but I've never had that fear...I see it as a really good nap, that when I wake from, something good has happened. I don't have a fear of botched surgery. I trust my surgeon & have seen plenty of his work. He's good at what he does and to be perfectly honest, my breasts couldn't really look worse so almost anything would be an improvement. I don't have any unreasonable expectations of perfection so....
What does terrify me is how me & my family are gonna handle the next month and a half while I heal. My husband HAS to go to work. My Mother is gone. I'm an only child (way not to reproduce me some help, Mom & Dad, lol), so no siblings I can guilt trip. I have plenty of wonderful friends but they seem to have pesky jobs that they have to go to. My husband's theory of 'we'll figure it out' seemed all empowering last week but as the time approaches and I really take into consideration all the little things I won't be able to do for a while, it's getting quite overwhelming. The baby is 20lbs and I won't even be able to lift him by his feet to change his diaper. It scares me that he's not going to take well to the fact that I won't be able to lay on the floor with him for a bit and let him use me for his personal jungle gym like he's accustomed to being at home with me all day everyday. My 2 older kids are gonna hafta sacrifice their social lives entirely for their Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks (hopefully it won't be much by Christmas if all heals well) to help me take care of things. Here goes that tremendous guilt thing again...
I keep trying to remind myself that none of this is my fault & I didn't pick this situation, but it was so much easier to believe when it was chemo and mastectomies...this feels vain and like I'm being completely selfish to put everyone thru this just to 'look' better....***sigh***

Hair, hair, and more hair....

...and even EYELASHES!!!

My angels...

Every step of the way this year I've had angels surround me...the biggest one has always been my husband. Here we go again, no exception.......he told me to schedule the surgery....we'd figure it out......this man who has our entire family on his shoulders and has fought every step of the way with me in this battle is once again stepping up and carrying more than anyone should be expected to.....all for me.........all to allow me to have the best life possible.......he is my rock, he is my constant, he is my hero....surgery scheduled...the Thursday before Thanksgiving!

Just when I thought it didn't matter...

So we were nearing the time of my plastic surgery consult & the bottom fell out again financially. It ain't like we're gonna live on the street or anything but some things changed at hubby's work so things tightened and I wasn't prepared for Christmas yet before it did. I decided that I was gonna cancel my consult cuz we really couldn't afford the time that he'd hafta take off to be with me for even a few days....well, chemo brain kicked in and suddenly the day was upon me that I got the 'reminder' call from the surgeon's office. To cancel 24 hours before would cost me only 10 less dollars than taking the dang appointment and hubs wanted me to anyway to see what all this would entail. We went. WOW! I was just thinking a little nip and tuck and some bags stuck in me and viola!! Uhhhhh, no........(graphic part comin' again, you've been warned).....he would remove both my nipples (& I guess stick em in a pan for later, lol), make incisions under both breasts in the creases. Now the healthy (or should I say 'non mangled' since now they're both healthy, just one looks a bit battled) breast will get another incision from the crease to where the nipple was and folded under one another to lift and then a saline implant will be stuck in there. The mangled one will get the same treatment except he will also add some 'process skin' to plump up the part underneath that was removed with the cyst at the beginning of the year. He wants to go saline instead of gel cuz it really won't be an exact science with this surgery as to what size they'd end up being considering the reconstruction of my left size. It'd be what it'd be to get them symmetrical in the end. At the end of it, he'd reattached my nipples in the correct place to my new shape. Okay, I could handle all that.......the recovery time.....5-6 weeks without lifting my baby!!!!! I can't go 5-6 weeks without lifting him, it just wasn't possible....no go.....when hubs & I left the office I found a feeling in myself I'd never expected.........sadness........it took me a bit to grasp why.....I really didn't care about what I looked like right now in clothes cuz with the right bras, you couldn't tell I was lopsided.....my husband didn't care about what it looked like..........it dawned on me that I did....not becuz of the aesthetics of it (I'm gonna have quite a bit of permanent scarring after the surgery) but becuz of the reminder of it....I was healthy now and I knew that....but when I looked at my breasts in the mirror, they reminded me I WAS sick....I found myself wanting them to be all round and even again...the scars would remind me of my journey, but the reconstruction would remind me of my VICTORY....

What's Normal?!?!

Well I haven't posted in a couple of weeks and I realized becuz I had taken some time to be normal again.....if normal means trying to grow hair, straighten out my toenails, drop 40lbs of steroid weight & soul search over breast reconstruction...all while taking care of my home & family and their crazy schedules!! Yep, but that's normal now...and I'll take it!!
I've begun the next chapter & have made an appointment for consultation with a plastic surgeon to see what we can do about straightening out my crazy butchered up boobs! I'm still not sure if I'm going to do it but I want to know what my options are. I wonder if he'll throw in some lipo on my insurance since it was the steroids that plumped me up...lol...I'm gonna hafta ask that!!!