Unanswered questions....

I've had quite a few people message me to ask why I'm not using names in my blog...as far as my husband and kids go, I don't want to publicize them...my older two kids are old enuff to have plenty of friends that are computer literate and I just think their privacy is the most important thing. Their friends know a bit of what we've been thru and some of them have even seen my bald head, but it's my kids' story to tell to whom they chose of their circle, not mine...as far as my husband goes, he wasn't home when I started this blog...without asking him, I was protecting him as I am my kids...since then, he's read this whole thing and has no problem with me using his name and I prolly will at some point without even thinking about it...he's been so supportive, my rock, my shoulder to lean and to cry on, my best friend to share all my fears and tears, and my constant...there are no words to describe this man who, in the face of his own anger and fear, has never wavered one bit in making sure that me and our children had his constant attention, love, and guidance...WOW, thru all I've written about, that was the first time I've had tears while I typed cuz there is just no way to explain how this man has helped to save my life in sooooo many ways...
As far as the doctors are concerned in my case, I have chosen not to publicly share them, both good and bad, for their privacy as well...no doubt there will be a bit of litigation involved from some, what we consider, careless actions, to say the least, and until that's done and over, I would be glad to share via email who they were if anyone is concerned that lives in my area. I would also be more than happy to share privately the names of my GP, radiologist, oncologist, and surgeon who have taken care of me since February becuz, quite frankly, they're the best!!
It's hard not to write in graphic detail about the anger my hubby and I have over the original doctors who handled my, and I use this word loosely, care...an OB who ignored my constant complaints of pain, a radiologist and breast specialist who, despite my history and questions, ignored doing the most important tests and instead chose to poke, prod, and needle me to the point of torture (and possibly the spread of cancer throughout my body)...we both just want to scream their names from the hilltops and tell people to stay away...but thru this experience of cancer, I am trying to learn a trait I've always been lacking on, and that's patience...patience that in the end they will not only understand what they did to me, but did to my husband, my kids, my parents, my in-laws, my friends, by putting me in a position to wonder just how long I might be on this earth....these doctors are just people and I don't ever expect people not to make mistakes, but carelessness in a profession they've chosen when the signs are written on the wall in fluorescent paint is unforgivable.
It's a wonderful lesson that I've learned that, no matter what you do for a living, you never know just exactly what action you take, decision you make, or word you say might affect countless of other people down the road...

Decisions, decisions

It's weighed on my mind a bit that I'm gonna need to make some decisions about what I'm gonna do after the chemo is done. When we started this journey, it was gonna be simple, chemo, double mastectomy, then reconstruct....then I got slapped in the side of the head by it spreading and now we're to the point that surgery isn't a need...or is it?
A mastectomy isn't necessary now, as my doctor explained, once the cancer was out of my breast, it could reoccur anywhere, so the sense of lopping off both breasts is moot. (Here's one of those 'I have no modesty anymore' subjects coming up>>>) I have the one side that the surgeon removed a fist sized cyst from so, needless to say, it's a bit smaller than the other, prolly about a cup size. It has this beautiful smiley face scar (sarcasm) around the bottom of it....kinda looks like a smiling cyclops...LOL...when I first had it done and the staples came out, it was really indented and I hated to look at it or even touch it...it just felt wrong...but as the weeks have gone by, and the healing process has kicked it, it's popped back out pretty well and it's prolly only about a half cup size smaller than the other but it is a bit 'higher' (I have had two kids after all)....
Reconstruction has to be covered by my insurance in this case and I'm needing to make a decision about if I want to do it or not pretty quickly since I don't wanna procrastinate into next year and then decide I want it and hafta to pay another fresh deductible....but everytime I really try to figure out how I feel about it, the confusion begins...the vain side of me thinks, hey, perky new boobies and how many chicks get that covered by insurance...but then the trauma of the pain and agony of the last year kicks in and I wonder if I really want to put my body thru that just for the sake of aesthetics. I look okay in clothes and my husband isn't a breast man (I know that's hard to believe, but it's true)...at times, it seems pretty trivial of me to beat this horrific disease just to be concerned about what my tata's look like in the mirror instead of investing every moment of every day treasuring the fact that I'm on my way back to healthy...when it was a medical necessity to have surgery (mastectomy) it was a no brainer...while they're there, make me some new ones...LOL....but now that it's a choice, I'm torn....
Back in my 'hay day' I had some smokin' girlfriends and quite a few of them had boob jobs in their 20's...I always thought 'why the heck would ya wanna have your body ripped open and foreign objects put into it if you didn't hafta'...I've weighed 95lbs to 150lbs over my lifetime (and can be anything in between at any moment)...my breasts have been everything from nonexistent to enormous depending on my weight...I've really never cared or had a preference...they were what they were...now, I'm faced with this decision and it's a lot more difficult than the others....from the beginning, my choices were clear, do whatever, no matter how radical, to get the cancer out of my body...now we're to this choice and it seems this one isn't so clear....

Sometimes you gotta fight against the norm...

So my husband is not feeling well...sore throat, achy, just overall icky...it's hard...as a Mom & wife it's just in your genetic fiber to wanna baby your family when they get sick, but it's not in the best interest of my health. It's frustrating but an evil necessity to stay away...doesn't do anyone in the family any good to have Mom go down cuz she's caught a bug...
It must be slightly what emasculation feels like...LOL

Knowledge is power!

I had a girlfriend today send me a note about her sister that lost her battle to cancer at the age of 28. She said that she didn't talk much about what she was going thru...my Mom was the same way. I've written a bit about her but haven't gotten into any detail about what a incredible woman she was...I was an only child, which screams spoiled in the first place, but my Mom was literally my best friend...now don't get me wrong, she was a parent first and foremost but after I got out on my own and the parenting time was basically over, she became my confidante, my conscience, my shrink, my adviser, my 'BFF'...
She was diagnosed with breast cancer and her & my Dad didn't tell me until she was almost to the surgery stage of her treatments. They did it to 'protect' me and I was definitely mad as a hornet over it for a while. At this point in my life, with 3 kids and going thru chemo, I can understand their position, but I choose a different course of action. My kids have known things as we've traveled this path. We've been careful with what, how much, and when we've told them things but, for the most part, they've been privvy to it all...I have a daughter who I never want to see go thru this. I want her to know what it's like, not to scare her, but to make her vigilant about her own health as she gets older and gets out on her own where I can't make her eat right & get regular check ups....I want my two boys to understand the plight of this predominantly female disease and how it affects a family and how their Dad supports and takes care of us, as an example of what a great husband, father, & man should be...children are so much smarter than we give them credit for sometimes, as well as being incredibly resilient. There have literally been days in the past year that they have been what gets me thru a day...

What the future brings...

So I have my 6th chemo treatment in two days...don't know what that means exactly cuz we started this process with the fact we'd do 6 then maintenance chemo...the last trip to my oncologist he wanted me to get an echo and said we'd determine from there if we'd do 1 or 2 more. My echo came back good so I would assume this would be my 2nd to the last. One of my meds is a 'big dog' and can damage the heart. I'm told I can only take it once in my life so we want to get as much of it in me as my body can handle now. In one sense I hope this is my last treatment cuz I would really like to get this all behind me, but on the other hand, there is something comforting being on chemo cuz I know there's meds coursing thru my veins that is fighting the disease in my cells. It's also kinda nerve wracking to know we're almost to the point of needing to do another PET scan...sometimes ignorant bliss is more peaceful...there's no reason to think it won't come back as great as the last one I took but for the rest of my life I'll be doing PET scans and waiting to see if the enemy has returned. It's like living in a continuous state of anxiety...

Never thought it'd be me...

After bartending, managing, and owning bars for the last 20 years, I've thrown alot of benefits for different things and different people. I did run a cancer benefit years ago, but most of them were for local people who had been hit with local problems, like hurricane damage...I was asked today if a team that is walking in the 3 Day could use my name for the 'In honor of'. Gotta say I was honored but it's one of those things that bring it all back into focus that I'm sick....big time sick...it's kinda eerie and wonderful all at the same time, but if it means gettin' people out to their benefit to raise the money they need to walk...I'M SOOOOO IN!

Mama never said there'd be days like these...

These are the days I get to remember exactly what I look like...it's my son's birthday and we're gonna take him out to eat...trying to figure out what you want to 'dress up' in that you have something that can go on your bald head to match is exhausting...oh well, it's all about us being together as a family to celebrate the big 14 anyway...they grow up soooo fast...that is one thing positive cancer has brought to my life...it seems life is so much more precious and I don't take too many 'great little moments' for granted!! Thanks evil critters!

It's my (pity) party & I'll cry if I want to...

The emotions cancer brings into your life can cripple you if you let it...I described the guilt, but there's such a plethora of feelings...there are days I wake up just happy to be alive and feel good and don't take one single minute all day for granted...there are days that I feel like me trapped in some alien's body, all mangled up and weak...there are days that mix both of those into one, when I'm going along with a skip in my step and I pass a mirror and BAM, the image I see ain't me anymore...there are still those times when I let the enemy get into my head and the terror of slowly deteriorating from cancer eating away at my body takes my breath...there are times when, usually when I see myself fully naked in the mirror, that I'm embarrassed at what I've become, a mangled breast, a healing scar from the c-section, a bald head with stray hairs trying to fight their way back kinda like someone glued strands of cotton to my head...I know I shouldn't let vanity get the better of me when ultimately it's all about my becoming healthy again but it's hard as a woman who has always been confident about what she looked like to see a shell of what she was looking back at her...there are times when every woman just wants to paint her face, throw on a cute outfit & some sexy heels and feel pretty & that just isn't an option for me right now and it's hard to explain the toll that can take on your soul. I was a girl who was used to turning a few heads when she went out but now when heads turned it was becuz people were morbidly curious...I'll put it out there, there are times when the kids are at school, the baby is sleeping, the hubby is at work & I'm all alone that I can't fight back the tears...

It's getting harder and harder to breathe...

...not really to breathe, but definitely to get thru the first week after my treatment...I just wanted to tribute a bit of Nickelback...
the week after my 5th treatment bit majorly...I felt so drug out, just slightly feverish, and just overall icky. Once again, my mouth felt like someone had took a cheese shredder to it and the aches I'd come to expect on Sunday began creeping up on me on Saturday and pitched a tent 'til Tuesday this time. I was told to expect it as the meds built up more and more. I was trying really hard to remember I was still having a really easy time of it considering the alternative, but I was just getting sooooo tired of it all.

Five and alive!

On my baby boy's 5 month birthday, we went in for my 5th chemo treatment. Doc said he wanted me to take an echo the following week after it so we can make sure there has been no damage to my heart and then we'll do one or two more...ugh...I was looking forward to number six being the last of it, but I guess we'll see, and it's like he said, we want to push as much of these meds, that seem to be doing such a great job, into my system as possible.
The veins in my right hand seem to be getting harder and harder for them to thread. They hafta poke me several times to get a good vein. They hafta do everything thru my right hand and arm since we took the cyst out of my left side. There's a chance I could contract something called lymphedema if I overly exert anything on that side which as I understand it is not a pleasant and almost untreatable condition. Trust me, it's a lot of fun trying to remember I'm not supposed to lift anything over 10lbs with my right arm, especially with a baby in the house...guess I can sell my bowling balls...