The emotions cancer brings into your life can cripple you if you let it...I described the guilt, but there's such a plethora of feelings...there are days I wake up just happy to be alive and feel good and don't take one single minute all day for granted...there are days that I feel like me trapped in some alien's body, all mangled up and weak...there are days that mix both of those into one, when I'm going along with a skip in my step and I pass a mirror and BAM, the image I see ain't me anymore...there are still those times when I let the enemy get into my head and the terror of slowly deteriorating from cancer eating away at my body takes my breath...there are times when, usually when I see myself fully naked in the mirror, that I'm embarrassed at what I've become, a mangled breast, a healing scar from the c-section, a bald head with stray hairs trying to fight their way back kinda like someone glued strands of cotton to my head...I know I shouldn't let vanity get the better of me when ultimately it's all about my becoming healthy again but it's hard as a woman who has always been confident about what she looked like to see a shell of what she was looking back at her...there are times when every woman just wants to paint her face, throw on a cute outfit & some sexy heels and feel pretty & that just isn't an option for me right now and it's hard to explain the toll that can take on your soul. I was a girl who was used to turning a few heads when she went out but now when heads turned it was becuz people were morbidly curious...I'll put it out there, there are times when the kids are at school, the baby is sleeping, the hubby is at work & I'm all alone that I can't fight back the tears...
A woman's eyes are the first thing I notice about her beauty. I never was close enough to you in High School to notice then, but thanks to FB I can tell you that you have some of the most brilliantly beautiful green eyes I have ever seen. A person's inner soul is reflected in their eyes, and that beauty has not been diminished or taken from you.
ReplyDeleteIn turn, the eyes of your friends and family see you through the prism of their love. . .as we all see those we love. They will never see the cold harsh things you think you see in your reflection. They will see a friend, mother, wife. . .veiled in love. And this is why an artist will always trump a camera. A camera may show you the way things appear or were, but an artist can show you what they see.
If you could only see through their eyes, I'd bet you'd see more beauty than your prepared for. You'd see a truth no mirror will ever reflect.
I can't imagine anyone more beautiful than a woman who explores every ounce of who she is with bravery and courage. You are even more beautiful to me now than you ever were before. Love you lots!
ReplyDeleteAs a person who has gone through his own medical issues I can understand completely where you are coming from here. Everyone who has gone through what you're going through has these kind of days.. the key, as you say here, is to not let it get one down for too long. In my opinion (which matters not) when one is faced with a situation such as yours one can either be as a strong oak tree, which is to say never bending, never moving, nothing gets to it, nothing seems to affect it, but one that if the winds blow hard enough and long enough will break and crash down.. or one can be as a weeping willow tree, which is to say bending and twisting and tilting with the winds (struggles) of life but no matter how hard they blow when they end it will bounce back strong as before. I see you as the willow tree, bendable but never breakable and when these winds stop blowing (and they will) you will be as strong as before.
ReplyDeleteI think you are beautiful inside and out and you have the MOST amazing eyes!
ReplyDeleteNo matter what the devil tries to get you to see, look deeper and see what Jesus sees. He sees his beautiful daughter. One that is strong and a fighter. I believe through you, many, many lives will be changed. Thank you for posting, you are such an inspiration!
God Bless you my friend!