Somehow we did answer all the questions the oncologist had and we were going to start chemo first thing the next morning...thank God for my husband who was able to ensure the doctor we were willing to do whatever the most aggressive route was to treat me...I was taken into the chemo room and introduced to what would come to be one of the most wonderful nurses in the whole wide world. I was still just shellshocked...tears streamed down my face and I didn't care what I looked like to the people who were in there. There were recliners lined all the way around the room with some of them filled with patients hooked up to IVs having meds pumped into their system. That was really all I noticed at that time as I still wasn't fully functioning, kinda like in zombie mode...I do remember snippets of what the nurse was explaining to me...'I know honey this is all a shock, but we'll take care of you'...'It isn't out of the ordinary for breast cancer patients to have cells in their bones'...'it's not nearly as bad as you have it in your mind'...
I got some papers on the meds I was gonna be given and my husband took me home. It was a loooong ride...silent at times, sobs at times, my hubby trying to reassure me we were gonna fight this...it felt like my body was numb but my mind couldn't stop spinning...I imagine that is what it felt like to one of those people who are put under anesthesia but are still psychologically awake. It was terrifying.
We got home where my best friend and her mom were sitting with our baby and she and I went out and sat on the porch and just talked. Her husband had come over too after my hubby had made the call home for me to tell them so I didn't have to...we all sat around a bit and they gave me the most encouragement they could...my Dad and stepmom came over later...I knew they were all rallying around to support me and I soooo appreciated it but I remember feeling a bit like someone had died and everyone was coming by to give their last respects. Our two older kids came home and we did our best to act as normal as we could. We let them know I had breast cancer before but we decided not to tell them anymore than that until we saw how everything was gonna go...it was too much for us to understand fully yet as adults, it was waaaaay too much for an 11 and 13 year old to wrap their minds around and it wasn't their job as kids to worry about Mommy. I was beginning to understand why my Mom and Dad handled her cancer the way the did years ago...
I got some papers on the meds I was gonna be given and my husband took me home. It was a loooong ride...silent at times, sobs at times, my hubby trying to reassure me we were gonna fight this...it felt like my body was numb but my mind couldn't stop spinning...I imagine that is what it felt like to one of those people who are put under anesthesia but are still psychologically awake. It was terrifying.
We got home where my best friend and her mom were sitting with our baby and she and I went out and sat on the porch and just talked. Her husband had come over too after my hubby had made the call home for me to tell them so I didn't have to...we all sat around a bit and they gave me the most encouragement they could...my Dad and stepmom came over later...I knew they were all rallying around to support me and I soooo appreciated it but I remember feeling a bit like someone had died and everyone was coming by to give their last respects. Our two older kids came home and we did our best to act as normal as we could. We let them know I had breast cancer before but we decided not to tell them anymore than that until we saw how everything was gonna go...it was too much for us to understand fully yet as adults, it was waaaaay too much for an 11 and 13 year old to wrap their minds around and it wasn't their job as kids to worry about Mommy. I was beginning to understand why my Mom and Dad handled her cancer the way the did years ago...
For what it's worth, I totally agree. Though I know it's a tough call, I would have made the same choice about how much to share with the kids and opted to worry them as little as possible.
ReplyDeleteWe've been careful to give them info along the way...considering I have a daughter tho, I'm glad that we have been truthful with them. I want her to understand what this disease can do if she's not vigilant with her health.
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