Hit by a truck...

It's strange to me that my oncologist gave me 7 rounds of chemo meds he called 'the strongest stuff' we could put into my body &, I'm not saying it was easy, but it wasn't a fourth as bad as these 'maintenance' meds. The nurse warned me before the first one that the side effects of these were pain but the first 2 rounds of them I took were, to say the least, a piece of cake compared to this last one. I'm assuming that the meds have just built up in my system so it's wreaking some serious havoc on any bad stuff left in my body. My fingers & toes tingle & are numb. My feet feel like I just jumped off the roof onto a concrete floor with no shoes. My stomach has been turning for 2 days. My joints all ache like they're on fire. It's crazy! I also have this wonderful eye condition that I get normally called ocular migraines. My vision goes into this tunnel state where I can only see directly in front of me. It only lasts about 15 minutes if I can lay down & shut my eyes, but the headache I get later is brutal. It's not an actual migraine, thank Goodness, but it sucks nonetheless. Well, I guess these meds trigger those too cuz usually I only get them maybe once every other month or so but I've had like 4 of them in the last couple days. I'm trying to look on the bright side of all this cuz first and foremost, I'm hoping this is the last chemo I have to take, but also becuz my experience with chemo has been so easy compared to the majority of people who take it. It's hard to look on that bright side when every fiber of my body is aching, but I'm trying....

Bittersweet

As anyone who has already walked this path can tell you, everytime you come to the time for your next PET scan, it is very emotional. Today I took my 10th round of chemo & scheduled for my PET in 2 weeks. The oncologist says that if this one comes back clean then we can start using the word remission and the 10th would be my last chemo. However, he also said if there is anything on it, depending on what, we'll still give my body a break, drop back and make the next plan. That last part is, of course what rings in my head. There's no reason to think that this one will not be as good as the first. After all I took it after only 3 sessions of chemo and ALL the cells had retreated to undetectable. I've only had more poison swimming around in my body, so the chances are that this scan should be good too. It's hard though not to let those demons come sneaking back into my head. I talked about them in my posts when I first was diagnosed stage IV. They're the ones that want you to doubt your body, your doctors, your treatments, and yourself. They weaken you and your spirit & body. They give the mighty cancer a chance to sneak in and take over. It's hard to fight them. They tell me that if there is anything on this scan after all the chemo I've been thru that my chances to survive this aren't good. They tell me to be scared. They tell me to hide under the covers from the world where my allies that have been helping me to stay strong live. They want me weak. They want me to give up. They want me.
This is where my faith comes in. Those pink bracelets that say 'Feed faith, starve fear' are my inspiration. That is why they are so dear to me. They remind me that nothing can take me out of this world if I don't let it. They remind me that I am stronger than the cancer. They remind me that I have an incredible husband & 3 fantabulous kids that not only want me here, but NEED me here. They remind me that God is stronger than those demons. They remind me to fight, to stay strong, to overcome, and to pray---not only to pray but to listen, listen to what God tells me cuz He is invincible!
I will try to put the worries out of my mind in the next couple of weeks and let the meds do their thing, but I know come a couple of days before that PET, my anxiety will rise. It's a normal reaction & I just can't let it take over!