Under the knife....AGAIN

I went in on Thursday morning for my surgery. I was there at 10am and then got told my surgery wouldn't be until after 1pm...that's a long time to think about it! I was sure tho cuz this was the last step I needed and after almost having to cancel cuz of babysitting concerns, I got to find out how much I wanted this done. My hubby sat in the prep room with me for those hours. He & I are very good now at finding ridiculous things to make fun of in doctors' offices and hospitals. We didn't quite expect one little extra that day though. As I was laying in the bed with him sitting beside me, we heard a familiar voice talking to one of the other patients waiting. It was the so called 'breast specialist' that gave me the ancient Chinese needle torture (or at least that's what we've come to call it) at the beginning of the year. She was explaining to someone what she was gonna do to them and all I wanted to do was yell out "come take a look at where she got me!!" but alas, my very wonderful attorney told me to keep my big mouth shut (did I mention she knows me very well, lol) so, I kept my big mouth shut...
It was finally my turn and they wheeled me back as I said goodbye to hubs. Down the hall, take a left, take a right, and into the operati.........DONE.......the next thing I remember vaguely is being in a wheelchair, already dressed, being rolled out to the car....GONE AGAIN....next memory, I saw my Mom-in-law sitting on the couch at home as hubby was directing me to the bedroom....uh-oh, OUT AGAIN...next memory, hugging both our big kiddos (air hug) over the side of my bed.....BYE BYE....I woke up about 2am with hubs by my side watching tv in bed. I was somewhat coherent at this point. He told me the doctor was thrilled with his results and how he had the nurses in the OR keep lifting me up & down to see where he needed to work on me next. He also said that he'd put the implants under the muscle. We hadn't discussed doing that, and actually had discussed doing going the easiest route possible...Doc said when he got in there & reconstructed the left mangled one and lifted the right one, that he just knew I wouldn't be as happy with them if he'd of just shoved the implants under the skin. They would be more real, better positioned, and ultimately 'healed in' properly under the muscle. Since we told him to do whatever he thought best, that was fine with me. I was actually glad he went that route once he was in there cuz I knew he was right on them looking and feeling better that way but I'd of been sooooo much more nervous about recovery if I'd of known he was going to do it that way. I've had many gfs tell me the pain is worse under the muscle. So, here we were, reconstructed, lifted, and implanted...

Almost more terrifying than cancer...

I've scheduled my pre-op appointment for my surgery where they do all the measurements & pictures & stuff. It's actually this upcoming Thursday. Everyday as I go about my daily routine around the house & with the baby, I'm getting more and more terrified. I'm not scared of surgery. I know some people have fear of anesthesia and getting put under, but I've never had that fear...I see it as a really good nap, that when I wake from, something good has happened. I don't have a fear of botched surgery. I trust my surgeon & have seen plenty of his work. He's good at what he does and to be perfectly honest, my breasts couldn't really look worse so almost anything would be an improvement. I don't have any unreasonable expectations of perfection so....
What does terrify me is how me & my family are gonna handle the next month and a half while I heal. My husband HAS to go to work. My Mother is gone. I'm an only child (way not to reproduce me some help, Mom & Dad, lol), so no siblings I can guilt trip. I have plenty of wonderful friends but they seem to have pesky jobs that they have to go to. My husband's theory of 'we'll figure it out' seemed all empowering last week but as the time approaches and I really take into consideration all the little things I won't be able to do for a while, it's getting quite overwhelming. The baby is 20lbs and I won't even be able to lift him by his feet to change his diaper. It scares me that he's not going to take well to the fact that I won't be able to lay on the floor with him for a bit and let him use me for his personal jungle gym like he's accustomed to being at home with me all day everyday. My 2 older kids are gonna hafta sacrifice their social lives entirely for their Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks (hopefully it won't be much by Christmas if all heals well) to help me take care of things. Here goes that tremendous guilt thing again...
I keep trying to remind myself that none of this is my fault & I didn't pick this situation, but it was so much easier to believe when it was chemo and mastectomies...this feels vain and like I'm being completely selfish to put everyone thru this just to 'look' better....***sigh***

Hair, hair, and more hair....

...and even EYELASHES!!!

My angels...

Every step of the way this year I've had angels surround me...the biggest one has always been my husband. Here we go again, no exception.......he told me to schedule the surgery....we'd figure it out......this man who has our entire family on his shoulders and has fought every step of the way with me in this battle is once again stepping up and carrying more than anyone should be expected to.....all for me.........all to allow me to have the best life possible.......he is my rock, he is my constant, he is my hero....surgery scheduled...the Thursday before Thanksgiving!

Just when I thought it didn't matter...

So we were nearing the time of my plastic surgery consult & the bottom fell out again financially. It ain't like we're gonna live on the street or anything but some things changed at hubby's work so things tightened and I wasn't prepared for Christmas yet before it did. I decided that I was gonna cancel my consult cuz we really couldn't afford the time that he'd hafta take off to be with me for even a few days....well, chemo brain kicked in and suddenly the day was upon me that I got the 'reminder' call from the surgeon's office. To cancel 24 hours before would cost me only 10 less dollars than taking the dang appointment and hubs wanted me to anyway to see what all this would entail. We went. WOW! I was just thinking a little nip and tuck and some bags stuck in me and viola!! Uhhhhh, no........(graphic part comin' again, you've been warned).....he would remove both my nipples (& I guess stick em in a pan for later, lol), make incisions under both breasts in the creases. Now the healthy (or should I say 'non mangled' since now they're both healthy, just one looks a bit battled) breast will get another incision from the crease to where the nipple was and folded under one another to lift and then a saline implant will be stuck in there. The mangled one will get the same treatment except he will also add some 'process skin' to plump up the part underneath that was removed with the cyst at the beginning of the year. He wants to go saline instead of gel cuz it really won't be an exact science with this surgery as to what size they'd end up being considering the reconstruction of my left size. It'd be what it'd be to get them symmetrical in the end. At the end of it, he'd reattached my nipples in the correct place to my new shape. Okay, I could handle all that.......the recovery time.....5-6 weeks without lifting my baby!!!!! I can't go 5-6 weeks without lifting him, it just wasn't possible....no go.....when hubs & I left the office I found a feeling in myself I'd never expected.........sadness........it took me a bit to grasp why.....I really didn't care about what I looked like right now in clothes cuz with the right bras, you couldn't tell I was lopsided.....my husband didn't care about what it looked like..........it dawned on me that I did....not becuz of the aesthetics of it (I'm gonna have quite a bit of permanent scarring after the surgery) but becuz of the reminder of it....I was healthy now and I knew that....but when I looked at my breasts in the mirror, they reminded me I WAS sick....I found myself wanting them to be all round and even again...the scars would remind me of my journey, but the reconstruction would remind me of my VICTORY....

What's Normal?!?!

Well I haven't posted in a couple of weeks and I realized becuz I had taken some time to be normal again.....if normal means trying to grow hair, straighten out my toenails, drop 40lbs of steroid weight & soul search over breast reconstruction...all while taking care of my home & family and their crazy schedules!! Yep, but that's normal now...and I'll take it!!
I've begun the next chapter & have made an appointment for consultation with a plastic surgeon to see what we can do about straightening out my crazy butchered up boobs! I'm still not sure if I'm going to do it but I want to know what my options are. I wonder if he'll throw in some lipo on my insurance since it was the steroids that plumped me up...lol...I'm gonna hafta ask that!!!

Cauliflower ear....

I had so many phone calls to make...my husband, my Dad, my in-laws, my best friend, the girls who had come over so many weekends during the past months just to lift my spirits, my attorney & friend who had been & was continuing to fight on my behalf the idiot doctors that got me screwed up, soooooo many phone calls....great and wonderful phone calls....and I found myself loving to tell my news more & more as the calls went thru...it was a glorious day!

The very longest morning of my life....

I woke up Wednesday morning, got the kids off to school & waited, & waited, & waited...around 11am I thought it might just be time to take matters into my own hands. I called my aunt who works for my GP to see if we had any word...none...but she gave me a different fax number to give the lab so I called to check in. The lab lady was wonderful. She told me that the results had been sent to my oncologist but the number she had for my GP didn't work & understood how anxious I was so she'd rush them over to him. I decided to give a call to my oncologist's office too. I didn't want to get the results from him, especially if they weren't good, cuz I had a better relationship with my GP. The oncologist's receptionist told me he usually made those phone calls at the end of the day so she'd leave him a message. By this time it was noon & I knew everyone would be at lunch so I was gonna have another hour to wait...my phone rang at 12:30 and the caller id said it was my oncologist's office....I held my breath cuz if he usually made those calls at the end of the day & he was calling me during lunch, it might be very bad news...
I answered the phone and at the other end was the head nurse that did my chemo sessions...I asked her how she was doing...her exact response 'I'm doing good, but YOU'RE doing GREAT!'...that took a second to set in...I asked her what that meant exactly and she explained to me that my scan showed NO cancer...NONE!!
I thanked her for calling me so early and as I hung up the phone, I collapsed on the porch floor...I sobbed...I don't think I even realized how stressed out I'd been...I couldn't stop crying and finally these tears were good ones...I did sit & think a minute of the many months back that I had sat on the same porch with tears falling down my cheeks and wondering if I'd even be in this world by the end of the year...now I sat here, same tears, same cheeks, very different emotions.

As The World Turns...

Tuesday, Sept 14th was the date of my PET scan. It was time to find out where we were really at...every other scan I had was at 9am in the morning and this one was scheduled for 11, so I was kinda afraid that I wouldn't get the results the same day as I had in the past. My terminally late husband went into the office that morning and was, of course, late getting home for me to leave...now that presented more than one problem...first, my biggest pet peeve in life is being late...second, my nerves were already frazzled and waiting for him to be 10 minutes late seemed like an hour & just set my mood on end...and third, and most importantly, there are some labs that won't let you come in late and I wasn't sure if this was one of them so I had to make the 35 minute drive worrying that I wasn't even gonna get this test done today...I got there 15 minutes late and the receptionist called back to the tech & thankfully she told her she'd get me in. I did my thing, knew the drill, and took care of business...I went home anticipating that phone call from my GP telling me what the results were...I waited, I waited, I waited...when 5pm came & went, I knew I was in for the next morning...I was beginning to wonder how they were going to treat the ulcers they were giving to me, lol...

Hit by a truck...

It's strange to me that my oncologist gave me 7 rounds of chemo meds he called 'the strongest stuff' we could put into my body &, I'm not saying it was easy, but it wasn't a fourth as bad as these 'maintenance' meds. The nurse warned me before the first one that the side effects of these were pain but the first 2 rounds of them I took were, to say the least, a piece of cake compared to this last one. I'm assuming that the meds have just built up in my system so it's wreaking some serious havoc on any bad stuff left in my body. My fingers & toes tingle & are numb. My feet feel like I just jumped off the roof onto a concrete floor with no shoes. My stomach has been turning for 2 days. My joints all ache like they're on fire. It's crazy! I also have this wonderful eye condition that I get normally called ocular migraines. My vision goes into this tunnel state where I can only see directly in front of me. It only lasts about 15 minutes if I can lay down & shut my eyes, but the headache I get later is brutal. It's not an actual migraine, thank Goodness, but it sucks nonetheless. Well, I guess these meds trigger those too cuz usually I only get them maybe once every other month or so but I've had like 4 of them in the last couple days. I'm trying to look on the bright side of all this cuz first and foremost, I'm hoping this is the last chemo I have to take, but also becuz my experience with chemo has been so easy compared to the majority of people who take it. It's hard to look on that bright side when every fiber of my body is aching, but I'm trying....

Bittersweet

As anyone who has already walked this path can tell you, everytime you come to the time for your next PET scan, it is very emotional. Today I took my 10th round of chemo & scheduled for my PET in 2 weeks. The oncologist says that if this one comes back clean then we can start using the word remission and the 10th would be my last chemo. However, he also said if there is anything on it, depending on what, we'll still give my body a break, drop back and make the next plan. That last part is, of course what rings in my head. There's no reason to think that this one will not be as good as the first. After all I took it after only 3 sessions of chemo and ALL the cells had retreated to undetectable. I've only had more poison swimming around in my body, so the chances are that this scan should be good too. It's hard though not to let those demons come sneaking back into my head. I talked about them in my posts when I first was diagnosed stage IV. They're the ones that want you to doubt your body, your doctors, your treatments, and yourself. They weaken you and your spirit & body. They give the mighty cancer a chance to sneak in and take over. It's hard to fight them. They tell me that if there is anything on this scan after all the chemo I've been thru that my chances to survive this aren't good. They tell me to be scared. They tell me to hide under the covers from the world where my allies that have been helping me to stay strong live. They want me weak. They want me to give up. They want me.
This is where my faith comes in. Those pink bracelets that say 'Feed faith, starve fear' are my inspiration. That is why they are so dear to me. They remind me that nothing can take me out of this world if I don't let it. They remind me that I am stronger than the cancer. They remind me that I have an incredible husband & 3 fantabulous kids that not only want me here, but NEED me here. They remind me that God is stronger than those demons. They remind me to fight, to stay strong, to overcome, and to pray---not only to pray but to listen, listen to what God tells me cuz He is invincible!
I will try to put the worries out of my mind in the next couple of weeks and let the meds do their thing, but I know come a couple of days before that PET, my anxiety will rise. It's a normal reaction & I just can't let it take over!

Beyond words...

It is exactly that, beyond words, the success we had last weekend for the Rockin' for Breast Cancer Benefit. There had to be 500 people out at the ranch. We had two great bands play. The guys are all great friends of mine & they put together a rendition of Nickelback's Rock Star for me at the end of the night which just brought tears to my eyes. The fact that they took the time to learn a song that I just love just for me was so touching. We had a raffle with about a million things donated to give away & an auction with some really incredible stuff like vacation get aways. I haven't gotten the final tally on the money raised but it was climbing over $12,000 this week so I'm excited to get that number. It's incredible the generosity and kindness of the evening and I'm overwhelmed by all the wonderful people I got to meet. I've been completely exhausted this week & trying to catch up on some rest & recuperate but it was well worth it for the amount of money we raised for Susan G Komen!

One step backwards but two steps up!

Wow, soooo much going on this week...
the one step backwards is the achiness I've had for the past 3 days from my chemo last Tuesday. It literally feels like I jumped off a roof onto concrete in my bare feet...they are soooo achy...I have a little numbness in my fingers too. I was told these were the side effects, so I'll just put up with it...
BUT...2 steps forward...some friends had a car wash for us last Saturday. It is such a lifesaver right now with 2 kids going back to school, especially since one is in middle school & the other starts high school & they both need alot of stuff to start. The car wash dollars will allow us to pay down some major medical bills without sacrificing the things I need to get the kids. It was amazing...The other forward is the Susan G Komen Benefit this Saturday. The response has been incredible and it looks like we're gonna have over 500 people there. I'm a workaholic and it's been so frustrating to me over the past year to not have the energy to take on projects and I thank God that He's allowed me to be well to really dig in & help with this event! It's been incredible to my spirit!

Pink is the new black!

I'm sooooo excited to get my new bracelets today! They are gorgeous & have the best reminder EVER on them!!

...Cuz 2 outa 3 ain't bad!

Yes, another music reference for a title...lol...today I had my 2nd outa 3 maintenance chemos...stupid me forgot to take my handful of steroids last night before it but my immunity counts are so good that Doc said he didn't think it would matter...and if my extra 4 pounds of weight gain is any indication, I don't think my appetite is suffering much. I wanna shed a few pounds but, OMG, my chemo team would take me out back & shoot me if I did so I hafta wait (& getting shot would be pretty counterproductive to my chemo). This is the first session I went to alone. We didn't have a babysitter so my hubby needed to stay with the baby & considering he's been putting in 12-15 hour days at work, there have been days in a row he hasn't even seen the baby's face. I convinced him I could handle it and he finally relented. I had a glorious 4 hour nap! I plan on starting to take my Motrin tomorrow regularly to see if I can stay ahead of the aches moreso than last time, even tho it was pretty tolerable...why hurt if you don't hafta?! That's my motto!! LOL! We'll see how that works out for me!

No more happy feet...

Okay, first the good news...just went yesterday to check my white cell levels after taking the first of 3 maintenance chemos & they were great...YAY!
Now, the icky news...I've been having pains in my toenails, but the new med I'm on is even more diabolical on nail beds. The sheets even hurt to lay on them. It feels like someone slammed a hammer down on my toes! I'm kinda bummed that they are starting to curl and change shapes & I'm actually scared I'm gonna lose a few of them. I have a bad head, lopsided boobies, a scar from my c-section and I'm white as a sheet cuz I can't be out in the sun...all I had left were cute feet...no more! I gotta say,it takes a strong woman to feel pretty while undergoing chemo & I'm not THAT strong...I feel like an alien! LOL!

Paying a little forward...

Ya know, there are very few times in the world you see selfless actions..really...completely selfless...now I don't mean when your friends come thru for you cuz if anyone is going to, you would suspect it would be the people who care deeply for you...I've written about many people who have been there for us and how much it's touched my heart and how much, I feel, it aids in my recovery by knowing there's so much love in my life...this is a story about another kind of person...someone who does something for you, benefiting absolutely nothing for themselves other than feeling good about doing it, and doesn't even know you from Adam (whoever Adam is, lol)...there is a girl named Rachel who has volunteered to wash cars at the car wash a local sports radio show is doing for me (Barley & Hops Show, yay!!)...I've never met her...heck, I can't even find her on Facebook to 'friend' her to tell her thanks, but she's volunteered to stand in the 100 degree Florida heat in August in a bikini (and dang, can she wear one from the pics I've seen) and wash cars to raise money for my family she's never met. I'm overwhelmed at stories like this...it motivates me even more to work harder in making waves for causes I believe in for people I don't know.
Now here's where I get to pay it forward...I was made aware by a FB posting that she's in a modeling contest to be in a hair commercial. Now, I know you're thinkin' 'here's what she's getting out of this' but that couldn't be further from the truth cuz I picked it up from a friend's post (like I said, I can't find her on FB so this didn't come from her personally) & she has no idea that I've decided to take up this cause for her....there are 500 contestants and they are rewarding a commercial to the top 5 girls...I thought what a wonderful thank you I could give her if I could get her up there with her votes...honestly, I don't care if she knows that I'm doing this cuz I think the more important aspect of her winning is the fact that so many actors & models have such a skewed vision of the world and charity & only do things to 'get their name out there' and there is nothing in it for her to wash cars in a local bar parking lot for a few hours but a sunburn and heat exhaustion...I think this world might be a better place if people who aspire to be in the position of the 'beautiful world' of the global entertainment industry had values like this girl. She is a real role model for our little girls...so I ask of you this...click on the link below on it takes you right to her page with a red 'vote' button to click on...there is no cost, no signing up, no future spam, just two clicks in 5 seconds and you can help me thank her for doing such a generous and wonderful thing for me, click it once a day thruout the month of August....who knows, you might need someone like her to do something like this for you one day...I never thought I would!!
THANKS SOOOOOO MUCH!!!

Click here to help me for Rachel!! 

And the beat goes on...

Well, I've made it through the icky window...by Monday after my treatments, the worst is usually behind me. The next meds do cause aches like you worked out the hardest you ever have in your life and your muscles ache coupled with an arthritis feeling in your joints. Tylenol 3 has been my best friend and I'm acetaminophen free today! The best side effect that is gone from these treatments are those harsh mouth pains...I only had a dullness of my taste buds this time and THAT I can live with. The oncologist says 2 more of these and we'll do another PET. I guess it's normal but everytime we start talking about PET scans, my nerves go to overdrive...it's like you want to know what's going on in your body but while you're between scans you can pretend everything is just fine.

Posters of the upcoming events!

 

Barley & Hops Show

 

Benefit for the Susan G Komen Foundation

Sunshiny days to come...

I have some of the most wonderful people in my life!! I've expressed love for my family & friends that have helped us out along the way but I wanted a chance to extend that story a bit...
first, we have a local sports show here in town and the guys & gal that do it are friends of mine from way back...they have decided to have a car wash (calling it Bubbles for Boobies, how cute!!) in my honor next month. Now we're not paupers or anything & hubby has a nice new job but in the interim of getting acclimated in it, our bills are more than tight with all the additional medical stuff from my cancer. These guys have come to the rescue right in the nick of time and have so generously donated their time & efforts for me & my family. We couldn't be more touched! Many of my friends have been posting and passing the word for this event...it's been heartwarming to say the least and have really lifted my spirits to see how many people care about us! It's been a wonderful addition to my treatments to have these people hold me up as well lessen the financial burden on us a bit...very healing to the soul, thus the body!!
Another wonderful thing that I mentioned before is the benefit that's being thrown in August. I have been bestowed the very special position of honorary member of a team that's walking the Komen 3 Day for the Cure in October by a very special lady that I actually just met in person last week. We have a mutual friend that told her my story and she just took it to heart. She asked me to participate in this fundraiser for the Komen Foundation as the emcee, as well as to share my story to help raise awareness for Komen. We're having food, drinks, a couple of fantastic bands stocked with musicians that have been friends of mine for years. These guys have donated their time and energy to many benefits I've thrown over my years in the bar biz and now are doing it for my cause...I'm so lucky to have such talented and generous friends! I am sooooo looking forward to actually be able to put it out there in person for people and to help them understand that just a little bit goes a long way in aiding the fight for life!! If you actually live in the area of Lakeland, Florida, hit me up with an email for advanced tickets to this event cuz it's gonna be a blast!

The weirdest things...

For the last couple of weeks, my big toes (toenails in particular) have ached like someone hit them with a hammer...at first I thought I had ingrown something or anothers but then I noticed it was across the whole nail bed when I pressed on them...they were, & still are very painful...I was worried I picked up some kind of fungus but didn't have a clue where it would of came from. I decided not to do anything until I saw my doctor which was today. He informed me that it was a side effect of the chemo. They had told me in the beginning that the meds could cause my nails to get brittle but that never happened. He said lots of people complain of sore toenails...interesting...my hair fell out in two weeks but it took my toenails 19 weeks to care...lol...
I had my first of at least 3 maintenance chemo treatments today. I've been on 4 and 5 meds that took about 2-1/2 hours to put in me. Today I only took one and it took 4 hours to drip through....crazy stuff...I'd of asked why but I was taking my nap and was happy that it was a bit extended now...one must have their priorities straight...LOL...anyway, the side effects from this is pain not nausea...since I've had little side effects thus far, my doctor says I may not have any more pain than I have had and that the effects should come in the same time frame as the last 7 so I should be good by next week if I have any problems at all. I'm feeling good thus far and haven't even taken any Motrin today...I do have Tylenol 3 and Percocet on back up though just in case.

Looking back and looking ahead...

Yep, so we did go out to hear our friends Saturday night & I did go without a wrap on my head...it was okay, not toooo many stares but, man oh man, if one more person rubs my head I'm gonna start swingin'! Why do people feel like they can touch you like that...I mean, when you hug someone or shake their hand, it gives them an opportunity to extend their arms to condone the action, but for someone to just come up and start rubbing a part of your body, c'mon....keeps you're hands to yourself unless you ask...The other thing that got on my last nerve were the stories...I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to be an inspiration and have no problem discussing cancer with someone and hearing their victory stories about themselves or someone they love, but why people think I want OR NEED to hear their story about someone who died of breast cancer at an early age while I'm obviously out to enjoy myself is beyond me...and not just one person but FIVE...I guess maybe I'm the crazy one & this is normal if so many people think that it's beneficial for me to hear this while I'm trying to socialize & relax...maybe I'm being too sensitive but I'M the one that is fighting cancer so please find a sensitivity chip when encountering me in a social atmosphere...this is not to discourage anyone from telling me stories on here or via e-mail, it's just I have created these platforms for just such things and it's in these venues that I prepare myself to deal with heavy emotions...not in a bar with a rock band on stage!
Tomorrow is my first of 3 maintenance chemo sessions...I'm pretty on edge about this one. The nurse told me that these meds have no nausea side effects but they do come with double the pain of the last 7...fabulous! We're all just hoping that my body relates to these as well as the last and my side effects are minimal. I hafta take 5 steroid pills tonite...lol...if loss of appetite and weight are signs of cancer, I must be cured cuz the dang little pills are keeping my head stuck in the fridge and I've gained about 25-30 pounds in the last 6 months! I'll let you guys know how it goes later on in the week...keep sayin' your prayers for me, PLEASE!

TOPLESS!

So I took the baby & went over to my Dad's today. I picked up my bandanna as I was walking out our door & decided that I was pretty tired of wrapping things around my head so I tossed it in the diaper bag & set off. I stopped at the store & wandered in & got a few glances, but nothing more than I would probably do if I saw a bald chick. I went on to my Dad's & we decided to take the baby to visit Grandma at work (she works at a bank), have lunch, & do some shopping. I asked him if he'd feel uncomfortable with me going without my bandanna since I had a bit of hair now...God bless him, he told me he'd of been comfortable with me out when I didn't have one hair on my head...so off we went...it's funny cuz I thought that I'd be a bit self conscientious but as we went thru our day, I completely forgot what I looked like...okay, except for when we wandered thru Walmart & one little boy, about 11, stared at me...then I remembered but only for a minute. When hubby got home from work tonight I told him about my topless journey. Much to my surprise he gave me a big ole high five!! He's told me all the way thru that he thought I was beautiful bald, but it's kinda his job to tell me that...LOL...the baby is spending the night with my Dad tomorrow night so that hubs & I can get out & catch some friends' band that's playing...hubby suggested I go tomorrow night without a wrap...hmmmm, I'm not sure if I've got the nerve for that yet, but we'll see...my confidence gets stronger by the day...stay tuned...

Happy anniversary to us!

Today is my 2nd wedding anniversary! It's funny cuz 'they' say that the first year of marriage is the hardest...yeah, whatever...that may be true for those who don't go thru finding out you're having a baby at 40 AND having cancer all in the second year...
Breast cancer is thought of so much as a 'chick' disease but it's ridiculous how much it affects so much more than just the patient...your spouse, kids, extended family, friends...the list goes on...my husband has been so much more than incredible in this crazy crisis...since day one he's been venomous in defending my health. I know that he was as scared as I was when he found out what we were facing...we'd only been married a year and a half and he was facing losing his wife and not knowing if his newborn son would have a Mom to raise him...his emotions were just as crazy, spastic, and raging as mine...but he kept it together...and not just kept it together, but wouldn't for one minute let ME not focus on the positives. He has stood strong thru soooo much adversity that added to the ridiculousness of our cancer journey as well...he is simply amazing! The mind has so much control over the body and I can't imagine if I didn't have him to keep me focused and uplifted, where my health might be and I truly credit him for helping to save my life! Adversity can kill a relationship if the partners can't come together and learn to fight the fight (whatever it may be) as a team and so many times couples get torn apart during those times...I am so truly blessed to have a man that wouldn't let me shut down, shut anyone out, or give up on myself...his strength has been part of my therapy! Though 2/3 of our kids are away right now and we don't have one extra penny for romantic dinners out or presents, when I kissed him goodbye this morning, I felt so fortunate to just have him in my life, to have and to hold, til death do us part, and becuz of him...I plan on that being a loooooong life!!

Hair raising II...

Just wanted to post a couple of pics showing my hair that's coming back in...it ain't much but it's more than I've had in a while!!

What the doctor DIDN'T order...

It's been a rough week mentally cuz like I posted last, I've felt weak. It scares ya that that may mean you're relapsing somehow....but today was just what the doctor didn't order cuz he doesn't treat my soul...
my hubby had told me about a friend of his at work who has a dear female friend that was just diagnosed. Hubby had gotten to witness to her about our situation and he came home that day so rejuvenated in our fight. Well, I got to speak to her today. I took the hubs lunch & met his friend, who in turn, called her. She was soooo sweet and so wonderful telling me how I was an inspiration to her...what she doesn't understand is how much SHE helped ME today. Sometimes I just want this all over and I lose sight of how much I must continue to fight and just how lucky I am to be where I am today. She was a reminder of that...the fight never ends and the spirit has so much control over the body...there is a purpose for everything and my progress doesn't just affect me and my family but the attitudes and progress of other people and their families that are in this fight that are following my journey...I left hub's work with a refreshed attitude and I dearly needed that!!! Thanks dear new friend!

I used to love rollercoasters...

...but not so much anymore since my life has seemed like one big one, and this one hasn't been fun most of the time!
Where to start over the last couple of weeks...I guess with the stresses of home. Now one of the things that most 'natural healers' think about cancer is that stress is definitely not a friend. That's true of so many diseases of the body and cancer is no different. It's felt that it weakens your body, mind, & soul and allows the cancer down time to feed while your not on top of your game. My husband is changing jobs...now that's the good part cuz it's a place he wants to be and the financial opportunities are great but to get here was not the best of days. He loved where he was and so many of the people he worked with. There were things that we've gone thru doing my journey that they were all very supportive of (I wrote about the month they gave him off right after I was diagnosed to be with our family)...what I have left out along the way were the 'other' people...the ones that had no regard for other people, just their own profit...there were times that hubby was offered great opportunities to be with us but it came at the sacrifice financially of greedy people and we'd never know that until it was too late...it was amazing to me that there are those kinds of individuals in the world that don't see this rock we live on from a vantage point any further than the tip of their nose. I wondered at times if it'd of mattered to them that just by their actions how much they affected someone else's entire health & quality of life...it's a vague description, I know, but suffice it to say that the bad finally overcame the good that he got from his job & it was time to make a change.
Here comes more guilt. I have taken care of myself since I was 20 years old. I've worked in the bar & restaurant industry for most of that and made a good living. Even in times when I had a partner, I've always been able to carry my own load plus. My husband wanted me to be a stay at home mom after we sold our last business back in 2007 and I agreed but always knew in the back of my head that I had a job skill I could always rely on if at any time we needed it. We haven't but it was always a solace. It's hard now cuz I'm not physically capable of being in the atmosphere that I used to work in...it makes me feel helpless...more than helpless cuz I feel I put sooooo much more on my husband's shoulders with all the medical bills...he's such a strong man and never lets me wallow in that but I can't help but feel responsible for that added stress of him having to do it all himself...even worse, the stress I get from us being in a financial position to tell one of our kids no to something that usually would've been no big deal...it can be heart wrenching...
The good news is that hubs has landed the job he wanted and it looks that it's going to be a bright spot on the horizon as long as we can juggle enuff to get thru the next few weeks. It's a good time to be strapped if there is such a thing cuz our oldest is out of town visiting his mom for the summer and our middle one is taking a trip with her dad for a few weeks too, so at least we know they are having an opportunity to enjoy their summer break somehow even tho it kills us both that we're not the ones providing it for them.
Just having done my last chemo this past week, I'm waiting on my weekend ickiness that we've come to expect and with all this going on, I have felt very weak. I'm assuming (cuz I only got my own experiences to draw from) that it's not uncommon when you're feeling weak to worry even more...those thoughts of 'is the cancer winning' come crawling thru my brain and it's hard at times to suppress them. I'm trying my best and my husband is doing all he can do, to keep the spirits high regarding it all...I am truly blessed to have this man by my side during this journey cuz there are times I truly believe he is saving my life!

...today was another small step for mankind...okay, just for me...

So I had my last 'big dawg' chemo today...by that, it was the last chemo I take of this particular cocktail...I've been told by my doctors and nurses that I've been on the harshest meds they do and we stretched it to 7 treatments (they say they'll only usually do 6 max on people) cuz my body was handling it and reacting to it so well...there are days I'm not so sure I agree with that...now we're onto 3 (actually my oncologist said 2 or 3, but we've gotten to know him well enuff to know to always lean towards the bigger number with him) maintenance chemo sessions. They will still be 3 weeks apart so there goes the concept that maybe I could get my reconstruction over the summer, but oh well, that's just a bit longer I have to actually make that decision. The nurse told me today that there are no nausea side effects for the next sessions but the pain factor doubles...errrrrr, there are a few days each treatment that I feel like every joint I have is swelling thru my skin and most of the cells I have are on fire....double that?!? I could of done without that info, I think...kinda makes me nervous...we'll be back to the first treatment when we sat around for a few days waiting for something to happen & I just hope it's EXACTLY like that one cuz nothing ever did...
My hair on my head is starting to grow back a bit...I'm fuzzy with some very big sprinkles of gray...I deserve them, I think...my eyelashes are starting to grow back as well...not enuff to put mascara on yet, bummer, but we'll get there...I love my mascara! However, on the nose hair front, they're still gone...bigger bummer...LOL
So for now, we're takin' our (and by that I mean I'm taking & hubby is reminding) nausea meds & trying to stay hydrated and waiting til Saturday to start eating Motrin like Pez to try to stay ahead of the pain...so far, so good...

Blood from a turnip....

It amazes me, in this economy where people are declaring bankruptcy and don't have the money to pay bills, that when you try to do the right thing, you're met with rudeness...the fun with the medical bills begin...I had one of the places I've had to go for PET scans call becuz I have a balance due to them. I know this, I get my mail. She started with asking me which credit or debit card I'd like to pay the balance with...what?!?! Yep, I have credit cards just laying around to slap a couple of grand on...are you kidding me!? Now this isn't a bill I've ignored. I've had to see them twice and paid them over $500 in those two visits and just sent another payment a couple of days ago. I told her this and she told me we could set up a payment plan. Okay, I can do that, I've done that with all $15,000 worth of bills I've accumulated thus far. This just happened to be the one person I hadn't called myself first. So she goes on to ask me if $200 a month was good....uh, noooo...I have 3 children, regular bills, and about a dozen doctors and specialists to send money to every month...she proceeds to tell me that $200 is the least they can accept...what?!! The least you can accept!?! I'm sitting here willing to send you at least some money every month instead of ignoring you and letting it all drift into collections and you're telling me that what I can pay isn't good enuff...how many people pay you nothing?! How many people don't bother to try?! What makes your business any more or less important than the surgeon who removed my cyst, the hospital he did it in, the anesthesiologist, my oncologist, the chemo they're putting in my system, the labs that have to be run on me?! Would you prefer I don't pay them and let the cancer kill me so you can close my account entirely?! This woman had no answers for me other than 'we can't do that'...I unfortunately lost my cool by the end of this conversation and told her she'd hafta do what she had to do with my account cuz I was totally done talking to her...and these people deal with cancer patients on a regular basis and this is how they treat people who are willing to try to do the right thing...hmmmmm, thanks for ruining my day, lady, cuz I hadn't been reminded in a few days how helpless cancer can make you feel!

Pink is my new favorite color!

It's amazing to me how much a little rubber bracelet can put people at ease. I started wearing breast cancer bracelets a few weeks ago and it seems that opened the flood gate to questions...I know some people who go thru this want to keep it private but considering the fact I'm writing a blog on the internet I guess it goes without saying that I'm very vocal about my journey. Awareness is the key and I will shout that from the rooftops. I love my little bracelets. My kids wear them, my husband wears one, and I've given out a couple dozen of them along the way. People see my bald head or a bandanna tied around it and wonder, but they see my bracelet and it's like it opens the door for them to ask and gives me the opportunity to share whatever part of my journey might be beneficial to them...early detection if it's a young person I'm talking to, the importance of spousal support if it's a man, whatever the subject needs to be...I'm linking myself to this little website 'The Long Road Home' cuz they have a few cute little different bracelets they're selling...the messages on them are different but the pink color still screams cancer warrior! Check them out if you get a minute on my links page and know that they support Susan G Komen with their proceeds!
There's nothing sexier for my husband to wear than his 'Real men wear pink' tshirt!

Taken for granted

I've had a few achy days in the past couple of sessions but man, I think I took how well I've been doing thru chemo TOTALLY for granted...Saturday night after my Tuesday chemo, I started getting achy as usual and woke up Sunday feeling like I got hit by a truck....that's been pretty much how it's run the last couple of sessions, but I didn't know where we were going....the hubby had been sick last week and I'd chased him around with Lysol for days. Once he started acting better, I got lax...MISTAKE!! I guess in my weakened state, I did get a bit of his bug...the cough, the sneezes, feeling like my brain was leaking out my nose...
alas, that lasted for 4 days when the past sessions have only seen maybe a couple of days of aches and pains...won't be looking that gift horse in the mouth again.
One of my most interesting notations of chemo has been the steroid/tongue tug-o-war....they give you steroids to boost your appetite (and if weight is a sign of health, the 20lbs I've gained in the past 18 weeks must mean I'm healthy again). Chemo is poison and it kills fast growing cells in your body. Each session has attacked my tongue...it looks like I have a raging case of thrush...pleasant, I know, but I warned ya I'd be graphic at times...it hurts like someone sliced your tongue open and poured orange juice in it...you really don't have much taste at all...I haven't experienced the metal taste in my mouth since the first couple of sessions, but I think I'd rather have the metal taste than this ache...but alas, I digress my point...I can't taste much of anything and to be honest, don't really wanna eat much that will aggravate the pain in my mouth, yet I'm on the steroids and have an appetite like a starving horse...irony, huh? Oh well, maybe I should take the week of 'mangled tongue' to drop a couple of those huge pounds I've accumulated...LOL

Unanswered questions....

I've had quite a few people message me to ask why I'm not using names in my blog...as far as my husband and kids go, I don't want to publicize them...my older two kids are old enuff to have plenty of friends that are computer literate and I just think their privacy is the most important thing. Their friends know a bit of what we've been thru and some of them have even seen my bald head, but it's my kids' story to tell to whom they chose of their circle, not mine...as far as my husband goes, he wasn't home when I started this blog...without asking him, I was protecting him as I am my kids...since then, he's read this whole thing and has no problem with me using his name and I prolly will at some point without even thinking about it...he's been so supportive, my rock, my shoulder to lean and to cry on, my best friend to share all my fears and tears, and my constant...there are no words to describe this man who, in the face of his own anger and fear, has never wavered one bit in making sure that me and our children had his constant attention, love, and guidance...WOW, thru all I've written about, that was the first time I've had tears while I typed cuz there is just no way to explain how this man has helped to save my life in sooooo many ways...
As far as the doctors are concerned in my case, I have chosen not to publicly share them, both good and bad, for their privacy as well...no doubt there will be a bit of litigation involved from some, what we consider, careless actions, to say the least, and until that's done and over, I would be glad to share via email who they were if anyone is concerned that lives in my area. I would also be more than happy to share privately the names of my GP, radiologist, oncologist, and surgeon who have taken care of me since February becuz, quite frankly, they're the best!!
It's hard not to write in graphic detail about the anger my hubby and I have over the original doctors who handled my, and I use this word loosely, care...an OB who ignored my constant complaints of pain, a radiologist and breast specialist who, despite my history and questions, ignored doing the most important tests and instead chose to poke, prod, and needle me to the point of torture (and possibly the spread of cancer throughout my body)...we both just want to scream their names from the hilltops and tell people to stay away...but thru this experience of cancer, I am trying to learn a trait I've always been lacking on, and that's patience...patience that in the end they will not only understand what they did to me, but did to my husband, my kids, my parents, my in-laws, my friends, by putting me in a position to wonder just how long I might be on this earth....these doctors are just people and I don't ever expect people not to make mistakes, but carelessness in a profession they've chosen when the signs are written on the wall in fluorescent paint is unforgivable.
It's a wonderful lesson that I've learned that, no matter what you do for a living, you never know just exactly what action you take, decision you make, or word you say might affect countless of other people down the road...

Decisions, decisions

It's weighed on my mind a bit that I'm gonna need to make some decisions about what I'm gonna do after the chemo is done. When we started this journey, it was gonna be simple, chemo, double mastectomy, then reconstruct....then I got slapped in the side of the head by it spreading and now we're to the point that surgery isn't a need...or is it?
A mastectomy isn't necessary now, as my doctor explained, once the cancer was out of my breast, it could reoccur anywhere, so the sense of lopping off both breasts is moot. (Here's one of those 'I have no modesty anymore' subjects coming up>>>) I have the one side that the surgeon removed a fist sized cyst from so, needless to say, it's a bit smaller than the other, prolly about a cup size. It has this beautiful smiley face scar (sarcasm) around the bottom of it....kinda looks like a smiling cyclops...LOL...when I first had it done and the staples came out, it was really indented and I hated to look at it or even touch it...it just felt wrong...but as the weeks have gone by, and the healing process has kicked it, it's popped back out pretty well and it's prolly only about a half cup size smaller than the other but it is a bit 'higher' (I have had two kids after all)....
Reconstruction has to be covered by my insurance in this case and I'm needing to make a decision about if I want to do it or not pretty quickly since I don't wanna procrastinate into next year and then decide I want it and hafta to pay another fresh deductible....but everytime I really try to figure out how I feel about it, the confusion begins...the vain side of me thinks, hey, perky new boobies and how many chicks get that covered by insurance...but then the trauma of the pain and agony of the last year kicks in and I wonder if I really want to put my body thru that just for the sake of aesthetics. I look okay in clothes and my husband isn't a breast man (I know that's hard to believe, but it's true)...at times, it seems pretty trivial of me to beat this horrific disease just to be concerned about what my tata's look like in the mirror instead of investing every moment of every day treasuring the fact that I'm on my way back to healthy...when it was a medical necessity to have surgery (mastectomy) it was a no brainer...while they're there, make me some new ones...LOL....but now that it's a choice, I'm torn....
Back in my 'hay day' I had some smokin' girlfriends and quite a few of them had boob jobs in their 20's...I always thought 'why the heck would ya wanna have your body ripped open and foreign objects put into it if you didn't hafta'...I've weighed 95lbs to 150lbs over my lifetime (and can be anything in between at any moment)...my breasts have been everything from nonexistent to enormous depending on my weight...I've really never cared or had a preference...they were what they were...now, I'm faced with this decision and it's a lot more difficult than the others....from the beginning, my choices were clear, do whatever, no matter how radical, to get the cancer out of my body...now we're to this choice and it seems this one isn't so clear....

Sometimes you gotta fight against the norm...

So my husband is not feeling well...sore throat, achy, just overall icky...it's hard...as a Mom & wife it's just in your genetic fiber to wanna baby your family when they get sick, but it's not in the best interest of my health. It's frustrating but an evil necessity to stay away...doesn't do anyone in the family any good to have Mom go down cuz she's caught a bug...
It must be slightly what emasculation feels like...LOL

Knowledge is power!

I had a girlfriend today send me a note about her sister that lost her battle to cancer at the age of 28. She said that she didn't talk much about what she was going thru...my Mom was the same way. I've written a bit about her but haven't gotten into any detail about what a incredible woman she was...I was an only child, which screams spoiled in the first place, but my Mom was literally my best friend...now don't get me wrong, she was a parent first and foremost but after I got out on my own and the parenting time was basically over, she became my confidante, my conscience, my shrink, my adviser, my 'BFF'...
She was diagnosed with breast cancer and her & my Dad didn't tell me until she was almost to the surgery stage of her treatments. They did it to 'protect' me and I was definitely mad as a hornet over it for a while. At this point in my life, with 3 kids and going thru chemo, I can understand their position, but I choose a different course of action. My kids have known things as we've traveled this path. We've been careful with what, how much, and when we've told them things but, for the most part, they've been privvy to it all...I have a daughter who I never want to see go thru this. I want her to know what it's like, not to scare her, but to make her vigilant about her own health as she gets older and gets out on her own where I can't make her eat right & get regular check ups....I want my two boys to understand the plight of this predominantly female disease and how it affects a family and how their Dad supports and takes care of us, as an example of what a great husband, father, & man should be...children are so much smarter than we give them credit for sometimes, as well as being incredibly resilient. There have literally been days in the past year that they have been what gets me thru a day...

What the future brings...

So I have my 6th chemo treatment in two days...don't know what that means exactly cuz we started this process with the fact we'd do 6 then maintenance chemo...the last trip to my oncologist he wanted me to get an echo and said we'd determine from there if we'd do 1 or 2 more. My echo came back good so I would assume this would be my 2nd to the last. One of my meds is a 'big dog' and can damage the heart. I'm told I can only take it once in my life so we want to get as much of it in me as my body can handle now. In one sense I hope this is my last treatment cuz I would really like to get this all behind me, but on the other hand, there is something comforting being on chemo cuz I know there's meds coursing thru my veins that is fighting the disease in my cells. It's also kinda nerve wracking to know we're almost to the point of needing to do another PET scan...sometimes ignorant bliss is more peaceful...there's no reason to think it won't come back as great as the last one I took but for the rest of my life I'll be doing PET scans and waiting to see if the enemy has returned. It's like living in a continuous state of anxiety...

Never thought it'd be me...

After bartending, managing, and owning bars for the last 20 years, I've thrown alot of benefits for different things and different people. I did run a cancer benefit years ago, but most of them were for local people who had been hit with local problems, like hurricane damage...I was asked today if a team that is walking in the 3 Day could use my name for the 'In honor of'. Gotta say I was honored but it's one of those things that bring it all back into focus that I'm sick....big time sick...it's kinda eerie and wonderful all at the same time, but if it means gettin' people out to their benefit to raise the money they need to walk...I'M SOOOOO IN!

Mama never said there'd be days like these...

These are the days I get to remember exactly what I look like...it's my son's birthday and we're gonna take him out to eat...trying to figure out what you want to 'dress up' in that you have something that can go on your bald head to match is exhausting...oh well, it's all about us being together as a family to celebrate the big 14 anyway...they grow up soooo fast...that is one thing positive cancer has brought to my life...it seems life is so much more precious and I don't take too many 'great little moments' for granted!! Thanks evil critters!

It's my (pity) party & I'll cry if I want to...

The emotions cancer brings into your life can cripple you if you let it...I described the guilt, but there's such a plethora of feelings...there are days I wake up just happy to be alive and feel good and don't take one single minute all day for granted...there are days that I feel like me trapped in some alien's body, all mangled up and weak...there are days that mix both of those into one, when I'm going along with a skip in my step and I pass a mirror and BAM, the image I see ain't me anymore...there are still those times when I let the enemy get into my head and the terror of slowly deteriorating from cancer eating away at my body takes my breath...there are times when, usually when I see myself fully naked in the mirror, that I'm embarrassed at what I've become, a mangled breast, a healing scar from the c-section, a bald head with stray hairs trying to fight their way back kinda like someone glued strands of cotton to my head...I know I shouldn't let vanity get the better of me when ultimately it's all about my becoming healthy again but it's hard as a woman who has always been confident about what she looked like to see a shell of what she was looking back at her...there are times when every woman just wants to paint her face, throw on a cute outfit & some sexy heels and feel pretty & that just isn't an option for me right now and it's hard to explain the toll that can take on your soul. I was a girl who was used to turning a few heads when she went out but now when heads turned it was becuz people were morbidly curious...I'll put it out there, there are times when the kids are at school, the baby is sleeping, the hubby is at work & I'm all alone that I can't fight back the tears...

It's getting harder and harder to breathe...

...not really to breathe, but definitely to get thru the first week after my treatment...I just wanted to tribute a bit of Nickelback...
the week after my 5th treatment bit majorly...I felt so drug out, just slightly feverish, and just overall icky. Once again, my mouth felt like someone had took a cheese shredder to it and the aches I'd come to expect on Sunday began creeping up on me on Saturday and pitched a tent 'til Tuesday this time. I was told to expect it as the meds built up more and more. I was trying really hard to remember I was still having a really easy time of it considering the alternative, but I was just getting sooooo tired of it all.

Five and alive!

On my baby boy's 5 month birthday, we went in for my 5th chemo treatment. Doc said he wanted me to take an echo the following week after it so we can make sure there has been no damage to my heart and then we'll do one or two more...ugh...I was looking forward to number six being the last of it, but I guess we'll see, and it's like he said, we want to push as much of these meds, that seem to be doing such a great job, into my system as possible.
The veins in my right hand seem to be getting harder and harder for them to thread. They hafta poke me several times to get a good vein. They hafta do everything thru my right hand and arm since we took the cyst out of my left side. There's a chance I could contract something called lymphedema if I overly exert anything on that side which as I understand it is not a pleasant and almost untreatable condition. Trust me, it's a lot of fun trying to remember I'm not supposed to lift anything over 10lbs with my right arm, especially with a baby in the house...guess I can sell my bowling balls...

I miss my nose hairs...

You think that title is a joke?!? LOL! Well, it ain't...it's amazing that I could almost care less about the hair on my head but I really do miss my eyelashes, eyebrows, and nose hairs...It's crazy how much those little hairs in your shnoz keeps the moisture in and the dust out. It's like the freakin' Sahara in there!! I've always been a mascara freak and by the 4th treatment there was nothing left to be able to swipe the wand across...not one little hair! And lemme tell ya about the eyebrows...LOL...after the 5th treatment I'm starting to look like Whoopi, 'cept without the tan, the dreds, or the money...I refuse to draw them in cuz I'd end up wiping my hand across one of 'em and looking like an idiot with liner swiped across my face...it's another one of those side effects they forget to mention...

Uh oh, this ain't normal...

Now from the first treatment I had had a bit of pain in my back and hips but I had first supposed that it was due to the walking I was doing since I had been pretty stagnant throughout my pregnancy. I had stopped by to visit my aunts at the office with the baby and told my GP about it and he explained that it was in fact the chemo getting into my cells and fighting the cancer...it was a good pain...so thru out my first 2 treatments the few times that I felt it, instead of being annoyed by the dull pain, I relished in the fact that my pacmans were workin'. The Sunday after the 3rd treatment was a completely different story tho...I woke up to every fiber of my being aching...it felt as if someone had wrapped me head to toe as tight as can be in bandages and then let it go...it ached sooo much and to top it off my mouth was on fire, like when you eat something really hot and it hurts for hours...well, my mouth felt like hamburger meat, it was so raw...my wonderful husband took care of things all day but here we were again with me feeling like an inadequate piece of a woman that was breaking down. I think those thoughts ached in my heart almost worse than the chemo did in my cells...we got thru that day tho and I woke up on Monday morning feeling good again...whew, that sucked!
The 4th treatment saw a similar result with the Sunday after being a day from Hades. I got thru it thinking I'd wake up Monday morning just fine, but that wasn't the case this time and Monday morning I was still aching. I fought thru the pain and by that night it was better and I woke Tuesday morning good as new. Hmmm, I'm beginning to see a pattern developing here...
Before my 5th treatment, I spoke to my doctor about it to make sure there wasn't something more I needed to be doing. He explained it was just the fact that the meds were building up in my system and this was the affect of that...great...and I have at least another couple to go...I wondered how much worse it was gonna get...

Wait, I'm a bit confused...

We went in the week after that PET scan to see my oncologist and for my 4th scheduled chemo treatment...when he came in he reiterated the results and was equally as flabbergasted with how well I was doing as my GP was...he examined me and said we'd do 2 more treatments, then do an echo to check my heart after the 5th and then make a determination if we'd do 1 or 2 more. Some of the meds I was on could damage my heart and one of them you can only take so many times in your life, so he wanted to make sure my body was holding up but do as much as we could with this cocktail since it was obviously working so well. After that we'd do 'maintenance chemo' that he said would be much more mild to my system. We were so pleased and I think it was kinda strange for the doc to see me in such a great mood. I asked him when we would do the mastectomy and to my shock he said he wouldn't recommend it...I didn't get it cuz I thought that was what we were working for this whole time. He said with stage IV cancer that it wouldn't be necessary if my last PET was clean. I still didn't understand what he meant but went on to do my 4th treatment and knew I'd call my GP later for an explanation and see if he agreed. Later that night I spoke with my GP and he explained it so much better....the theory was that there was no tumor and if my PET was completely clean at this point there would be no need for the mastectomy and he agreed with that line of thought. I was still confused cuz I thought that a double mastectomy still would cut down on the chance of recurrence, but he said that wasn't true anymore. If it had stayed only in my breast then, yes, it would be a precautionary measure he'd recommend but since it had gotten outside my breast that it made as much sense to lop of my boobs as it did to remove my nodes, liver, or bones...it had an equal chance of coming back anywhere in my body in the future and that targeting only my breasts for removal wouldn't bring down those chances significantly enuff to warrant it. Okay, I get it...scary sounding when we start talking about recurrence, but I understood what he was saying. I had to wrap my mind around the thought that there would be no mastectomy and that was kinda weird considering I had been looking to that as kinda an end point to this nightmare. We were still going to have to discuss the concept of reconstruction cuz my left breast was mangled and about half the size of my right one, but that was something we hadn't gotten to the point to need to decide about it yet.

The cancer dance...

When my husband got home from work that afternoon and finally put me down after the biggest hug he'd ever given me, I did this little booty shake and sang my song 'No more cancer, no more cancer'...he laughed at me...I've proceeded to do that dance on numerous occasions and he laughs the same everytime...laughing seems brand new again...it's nice to laugh!

A moment of truth...

Not that there wasn't anything going on in the next 6 weeks, but my 2nd and 3rd chemo treatments had went amazingly well. I had no nausea and never even had to take the 'back up big dog' scripts I had been given in case I got sick. My blood tests were coming back great and the doctor even said that everyone's levels drop a bit during chemo but mine weren't. When I would see him, he'd ask a barrage of questions about how I was feeling and how my body was reacting and I almost felt like he didn't believe me when I said everything was great.
We'd come to the time for that 2nd PET scan. Now, I knew it would be nerve wracking but I had no idea how absolutely on edge I would be having to go get this test. I'd been able to go thru almost 2 full months getting treatments and being able to pretend there was nothing wrong. There were moments my mind would drift off to the worst case scenarios but I was finding the strength more and more to fight that off and focus on the positives. But here we were, back to reality, back to seeing what was going on in my body in black and white and not be able to pretend anymore that life was normal...
I went in for the scan and on my way out asked when the results would be in. They told me prolly by the afternoon...ugh...okay, more waiting...
I went home and tried to stay as busy as I could. I picked up my daughter and went shopping to try to keep my mind occupied...while we were out my cell phone rang and I recognized the number as my GP's. I was petrified to answer it, especially in public, but there was no way I could wait one more minute...I literally answered the phone 'I'm in the middle of a store so don't make me cry'....the next second of silence paralyzed me and seemed like a million years before I heard him say 'it's good news'...he went on to tell me that he was absolutely baffled by the fact that my cells were undetectable on the scan...I made him explain it to me so that I was completely clear on what that meant...he told me they had expected a positive change and hoped for a dramatic one, like 40% retreat, but this was at a rate of about 90% and it was nothing short of a miracle...I thanked him for making me cry in the store, he laughed, and we hung up so I could make the necessary phone calls. Standing right there in that store, I called my Dad, my husband, and my best friend to share our news...I was going to win this battle...I was on my way!

Not much could surprise me anymore, but...

Here's a tribute to 'are you kiddin' me?!?'...
My husband came home from work and said that they had given him the month of March off...I mentioned his boss's cancer...he had been diagnosed with advanced bone cancer the year before and it was bad. He did all his treatments and just before I found out about mine, he had been tested and found out his cancer retreated entirely. I guess understanding completely what I was dealing with, he felt it important that hubs be at home with our family. It was an incredible surprise and a complete testament to the fact that there was still good people in the world. I was sooooo lucky to have my husband home for that month to help with the baby & the other 2 kids, to take care of me on days I was more tired and to help me from thinking too much. He really helped me to train my brain not to go to the ugly places that were unproductive in my healing process. It also helped my state of mind to have him be in a place he could rest and recharge. I knew he'd been in his own personal hell of fear, anger, and confusion but didn't want to put that off on me. We both needed that time together and I will be forever grateful to his place of employment cuz that's not just rare, it's next impossible to find that kind of support from a company!

Round 2...

It was time for my second chemo session...I had a very easy time of the first and hoped that #2 would go as swimmingly...I was by this time bald as a cue ball, but honestly that was the only sign of my illness...the doctor said we'd do a total of 3 sessions, then take another PET to see where we were at and if we needed to alter the meds...I began walking in the afternoons, drinking green tea, buying some organic products all in effort to help the chemo do its thing...my immunity was doing absolutely fabulous and the doctor was happy with things thus far. It was a bit hard at times to believe I had this toxic disease in my body cuz I felt so good after being in soooo much pain and agony for all those weeks...I told the doc that I felt so good that the only way I knew I was sick was cuz he kept telling me I was...

My 'circle of trust' (thanks Deniro)

There's one thing that is very important when you get stuck in a position like mine and that's that you know when and how to ask for help...I'm not good at that...of course, as seen all the way from the start, my husband has been superman...my Dad, my stepmom, my mother-in-law, my best friend & her husband & mom, my aunts (who work for my GP btw) have all just 'done' for me without waiting for me to ask for help. They have and continue to be a support group that I could not make it one minute without! But then there's those other people, the ones who surprise you...since my diagnosis, it has been amazing to see the peeps who have stepped up and beyond the plate to go out of their way for me. I have made new and deeper connections with some people becuz they have demonstrated a fiber of being that was way beyond the call of duty. There's been 3 particular chicas that have been a lifeline just by realizing how bound up this disease has caused me to be and have made it a regular thing to pop into the house on a regular basis just to socialize...ahhhhh, socializing...after being in the bar biz for 20 years, my life had been one big social event. Not being about to get out and cut loose, especially during a time when it would be wonderful to 'forget my troubles' for an evening, has been stifling. Now these ain't gals I'd been friends with for years...one I'd known for a couple of years socially, one I had known for years and hung out with in the distant past, and one was someone I had basically 'met' thru Facebook and had a cancer journey story to tell all of her own...they were (and continue to be) an inspiration to friendship...
There was also another great lifeline in the beginning. It was a gentleman who had been a spiritual adviser of sorts to my husband's boss when he was going thru his own cancer stuff. He works with my hubs & had asked if he could come over that first week after we had found out how bad things were. I hadn't really had much of a spiritual life since my Mom had died. I still blamed God for that and, to be honest, wasn't really happy with Him now for my situation. This gentleman came to see us one morning and sat and talked with us. He told us a few stories of amazing healing he had witnessed and prayed with us. He reminded me that this wasn't a trip I wanted to take without a very experienced co-pilot and convinced me that it might be time to reconcile my relationship with God. He truly believed in the healing power of God and, interestingly enough, asked me if he could anoint me with oil. I was raised Southern Baptist and wasn't quite sure if I believed in that but I figured, with all his faith in it, I shouldn't be so skeptical. This guy was quite infectious and I can say without a doubt helped me to repair my outlook on the Almighty. God and I talk quite often now about all kinds of things and I will tell ya, He talks back...
With the good always comes the bad...the one thing you get to find out when life isn't just sugar and roses is what people are really made of. You find you have 'friends' that will be there for ya when the chips are down but when the chips are literally squashed to dust and it's gonna take quite a bit of time to piece them back together, they have a very short attention span...there is disappointment in my heart for certain people but I really don't have time or effort right now to dwell on that...I need my energy for positive things.

Old pro...

Three weeks went by without very much difference...I was more tired on certain days than others but I have a husband, 3 kids, a newborn getting up to eat regularly, a huge house of people wearing clothes, eating on dishes, wanting to be fed, walking on floors, and making other general messes to clean up after, so I'm not sure what part of my exhaustion was chemo and what part was 'Mommy'...there was a new attitude that had emerged during these three weeks...I was going to fight with everything I had and I was going to win...I had a mantra and still repeat it to myself...trust the doctors, trust the chemo, and trust God...

Hair raising...

My gf had warned me that the window of hair loss was about 2 weeks...I had hair down to my tush and it was the longest it had ever been...I kept threatening to cut it but hubby liked it and to be perfectly honest, it was a bit of a security blanket during my pregnancy when I didn't feel very pretty....I knew my hair was gonna fall out despite all the people who'd like to say things like 'well, I knew this one girl who had chemo and hers didn't fall out' or 'your hair is so thick you might not lose enuff to notice'....whatever...LOL....the drugs I was on were the big dogs and if it could eat a hole thru cancer I figured my follicles didn't have a chance...I readied myself those first couple of weeks for the occurrence. The Sunday 2 weeks after my treatment, I took a shower and noticed that a bit more hair than usual was coming out in my hand. It wasn't in clumps or anything but dozens at a time. It doesn't sound like much but I knew it was sign of the times. My hubby & I decided it would be a good idea to cut it off so that at least it wasn't sooooo long as it shed. I put my hair in a pony tail and he lopped it off...oh, that reminds me, it's still in my bathroom cabinet and I really need to drop that off to Locks of Love...I'd spent my whole life dying my hair crazy colors and having it every length so this wasn't a big deal...yet, as I would discover...the next day's shower saw bigger chunks coming out and I found that it didn't matter how prepared I thought I was for it, it was still a bit disturbing for your hair to start falling out of your head from the root...there were a few tears that night, but once again, hubby prevailed in calming my nerves...and then there was the NEXT day...okay, we were exactly 2 weeks to the day from my chemo and the chunks of hair were getting even bigger...there were no bald spots on my head but I just kept envisioning those Barbies all us girls had that were old and their heads looked all sprigged out...I was NOT going there...my daughter knew my hair was gonna fall out and she was trying to be supportive but she still was sad about it...on that 2 week marker we decided to take total control of the situation and have a head shaving party...hubby needed a hair cut anyway (oh, btw, he may be 8 years younger but he's been prematurely bald for years) so when I pulled the clippers out to shave his head, we turned it on mine...I let my daughter help me cut big chunks out with the scissors and she thought that was just too cool...then we strapped on a quarter inch guard and everyone took a shot at buzzing off a strip...there it was...my big old head with very little hair on it...the pic over on the right side of the page was the day after we shaved me...very Demi Moore, GI Jane, don't cha think?!? There are many things that gals with hair don't realize about not having much...your ears get cold, you lose heat in your body thru your head, and wearing hats for too long gives you headaches...these were things I'd hafta get used too and thank goodness my husband has big old hands to rest on my cold noggin at night to warm it while we're watching tv...
over the next days & weeks the spriglets of hair that were left would fall out in the shower and the floor would look like my hubby's sink after he'd shave his beard...there were and still are days it bothers me more than others but all in all, it hasn't been so bad...no shampoo, no wet pillow in the middle of the night cuz you went to bed after washing your hair, showers take about 7 minutes total, and summers in Florida are hot enuff without 14 pounds of hair covering you up...I've never gotten a wig...maybe if I had to go to a job, I'd care but over all I throw bandanas over my egg when I take the kids to school so I don't scare their friends and have even gotten to the point I don't put anything on when we have company at our house...the rule is, it's my house and this is me. If you're uncomfortable with it, be glad YOU don't have cancer....

Another one of those little angels...

I mentioned my girlfriend earlier that was a nurse and had just finished her treatments, well, lemme tell ya, this lady has been a guiding light thru so much of this...she kept and keeps in total contact with me tho she lives an hour or so away...she even remembers when my chemo treatments are and sends me little encouragement texts...now this girl is one strong cookie and we do have lots of traits in common but there's one that we don't...being a nurse she was adamant about knowing the details of her disease and started down the path to share them with me...that's when I found out that there are times I appreciate being blissfully ignorant on some of the details...don't get me wrong, I wanna know the big stuff and I want the truth, but I want in my time...at the beginning I didn't want to know exactly what this cancer could do, how it grows and spreads and the medical terms for all the drugs I was on...I wanted to know I had it, how to get rid of it, and I'm perfectly comfortable calling my meds 'the little pacmans'...lol...actually tho, there was an important phone call I forgot to share with you...the evening I was given my diagnosis, I got a call from my GP to check on me...he gave some very wise advice...STAY OFF THE INTERNET...LOL...he told me not to go looking for information on my particular type of cancer cuz all it would do was scare me to death...even the best, most factual sites were misleading...by misleading I don't mean their info is incorrect, but what he was explaining to me is that statistics in medicine and science in general take years to accumulate accurately and that there is no way that studies can keep up with the advancements...I could read a statistic that says 1 in 6 people die from what I have in the first 3 years but that means that those were the numbers that were found from a study that prolly happened like 10 years ago, not what is happening today, cuz those studies wouldn't be out for another 10 years...I understood exactly what he meant and heeded his warnings and for that, I think I've been able to be more positive...each person is different and reacts differently to things and just becuz someone else gets sick from chemo or doesn't have success from a certain 'cocktail' doesn't mean I won't so I've left all the stats in my case up to my body...I figure out how I feel each day I wake up and go from there...