Forward....march.....

So I have everything going, I think...I got to start my radiation yesterday...they called me outa left field & asked if I could come down & do the set up stuff with the mask & while I was there, she went ahead & knocked out the first treatment. Just like last time, the actual radiation takes like 4 minutes...it takes longer to get on the table...LOL...I did forget tho, today, after the second blast, how so verrrrrrrrrry tired it makes you. Absolutely like someone is sucking the oxygen outa your body. I have got to remember not to push it. They are much more concerned this time around about the swelling I have had in my head and to get it & keep it under control....that's pretty scary stuff....my brain swells....hmmmmm, & for once, it's not a bar joke.....but the steroids are managing that, we hope, and after tweaking the dosage to all the stuff I take to fight those side effects, it's running pretty well...I have gained 14 pounds in about 10 days....but I did start off at about 100lbs in the first place so I needed some butt on me to fight this....LOL!!!
I scheduled my first, and yes, I said my first liver procedure today. When I consulted with the radiologist who will be doing it, I was given a bit more reality than my oncologist gave me....first, this will not be one out patient procedure...he wants to do each side of my liver one at the time & then go back for another round on both sides. He tells me the tumors there are pretty enveloped and obviously so aggressive, growing thru the chemo I have been on, that this is the best chance to make the most impact. I will be in the hospital for 24 hours cuz he prefers to keep his patients for side effects monitoring from the whole thing. I'm hoping they have a massage therapist there while I'm on my day vacay....LOL
I kid, but, gotta say, this time around is scarier than before...
trust my docs, trust my meds...but most of all...trust my God!

Keeping it upbeat!

I now have 7 wigs that I wear...I still will wrap a bandanna around my head...but I've learned to lighten it up a bit and if I wanna try to look cutesy or girly, go for it...mind over matter!

Plan of action...I'm ready!

So after consulting with each other, my radiologist decided she was gonna handle my head & my oncologist would tackle my liver...it was a very busy week of doctors and tests and appt but at the end of it, we had a plan...back on steroids & hit the radiation. I went on the steroids immediately cuz my brain was also swollen & it would help that, which it did in the first 2 days...thank God that the roids were doing obvious positive things to me cuz they were rough last year & I was dreading them so bad. The relief they were bringing me this time in the pain though were making them worth any of the oncoming side effects I knew I was gonna get soon. Doc said we could treat my head with just steroids for a while but to be the most aggressive, going back & doing more whole head radiation could be done....I told her I wanted aggressive & funny enuff, she's been with me long enuff to have already scheduled it up cuz she knew that would be the road I'd want...okay, plan for the head treatments are made...3 weeks of whole head radiation...Monday thru Friday & then scan & see...
Now for the liver...I met with my oncologist & he came in so positive about his course of action, I couldn't help but be...he still wanted to get me away from chemo...ok, but I wondered how if my tumors were growing....he explained....he wanted to do a procedure like the one they do when they go in up your thigh to unblock clogged veins in the heart but do kinda the opposite...they would go in up my leg to my liver & blast the veins that had developed around these tumors to feed them & kill them, thus starving the tumors & killing them entirely...at least that was the theory, but dang, he was so certain this was gonna work...I was kinda excited about it since it would mean, if it did, I would be off chemo all together!! I was signed in for that immediately....he explained I could have the procedure done even while I was doing radiation cuz it was an outpatient thing...I'm thus far scheduled for a consultation next week to get it all pulled together...

New doc & more new of the old stuff...

So I don't know if I've mentioned it but my original oncologist left the practice...I started seeing a new one that I don't think is actually far off from my age. He is the one who thought we needed to get me off the chemo I was on cuz I'd been on it since the beginning. We tried a new kind for a while but....in February 2012, my newest PET scan showed that the tumors in my liver grew. Cancer shouldn't grow thru chemo, but alas...I also had a follow up MRI...hey, guess what?!? More bad news...small tumors back in my brain but this time, all over & now centralized...I was completely deflated & scared to death. Thank God for my Dad & stepmom cuz without them, I am not sure what kind of basketcase I would've turned into that weekend I got those reports. I also had my daughter's 20-something year old sister & husband walk in that Friday night & tell me they were moving into help me. My girl & I were having problems getting things handled with school & appointments & them coming in was just overwhelming to me! I was in way over my head by myself...

It's been a while...

I've been gone off my blog a while & it's not becuz there wasn't anything going on....I went back & read my last input & well, it's been a rollercoaster since almost that post.

Right after that post, my husband asked me for a divorce. He blames it on the gambling I did when I was in my depression but it's so much more than that. First of all, he's a gambler, so it's not like he thinks it's a token sin. I did do it quite a bit but NEVER put my family's finances in jeopardy. Secondly, part of my depression was from the fact I was always home alone with the kids. He was working 60+ hours a week & just almost refused to come home early or take time off. It got so that our kids only saw him on Sundays & that was spent with him taking only one of them to the bowling alley for most of the afternoon. It was lonely & I felt very deserted. If I dare mentioned anything negative about my attitude with cancer, he wanted no part of discussing it...it was over...he was gone emotionally...I resented it TREMENDOUSLY!! I spent July finding a home for me & my 2 kids. I fortunately have some wonderful family whose privacy I will protect by only saying, they are my angels. The love and support of my closest friends got me thru July & August & we got moved into our new home and, for the first time, when I had an opportunity to breath, I realized how much my homelife before was strangling me. The marriage had crumbled & with it was part of strength. I was slowly finding it again in the hope for a future with my babies...nothing to hold me back or to stifle me. Sure, the prospect of growing old alone was kinda a downer but growing OLD was actually the target now & THAT felt pretty dang good to want again!