...but not so much anymore since my life has seemed like one big one, and this one hasn't been fun most of the time!
Where to start over the last couple of weeks...I guess with the stresses of home. Now one of the things that most 'natural healers' think about cancer is that stress is definitely not a friend. That's true of so many diseases of the body and cancer is no different. It's felt that it weakens your body, mind, & soul and allows the cancer down time to feed while your not on top of your game. My husband is changing jobs...now that's the good part cuz it's a place he wants to be and the financial opportunities are great but to get here was not the best of days. He loved where he was and so many of the people he worked with. There were things that we've gone thru doing my journey that they were all very supportive of (I wrote about the month they gave him off right after I was diagnosed to be with our family)...what I have left out along the way were the 'other' people...the ones that had no regard for other people, just their own profit...there were times that hubby was offered great opportunities to be with us but it came at the sacrifice financially of greedy people and we'd never know that until it was too late...it was amazing to me that there are those kinds of individuals in the world that don't see this rock we live on from a vantage point any further than the tip of their nose. I wondered at times if it'd of mattered to them that just by their actions how much they affected someone else's entire health & quality of life...it's a vague description, I know, but suffice it to say that the bad finally overcame the good that he got from his job & it was time to make a change.
Here comes more guilt. I have taken care of myself since I was 20 years old. I've worked in the bar & restaurant industry for most of that and made a good living. Even in times when I had a partner, I've always been able to carry my own load plus. My husband wanted me to be a stay at home mom after we sold our last business back in 2007 and I agreed but always knew in the back of my head that I had a job skill I could always rely on if at any time we needed it. We haven't but it was always a solace. It's hard now cuz I'm not physically capable of being in the atmosphere that I used to work in...it makes me feel helpless...more than helpless cuz I feel I put sooooo much more on my husband's shoulders with all the medical bills...he's such a strong man and never lets me wallow in that but I can't help but feel responsible for that added stress of him having to do it all himself...even worse, the stress I get from us being in a financial position to tell one of our kids no to something that usually would've been no big deal...it can be heart wrenching...
The good news is that hubs has landed the job he wanted and it looks that it's going to be a bright spot on the horizon as long as we can juggle enuff to get thru the next few weeks. It's a good time to be strapped if there is such a thing cuz our oldest is out of town visiting his mom for the summer and our middle one is taking a trip with her dad for a few weeks too, so at least we know they are having an opportunity to enjoy their summer break somehow even tho it kills us both that we're not the ones providing it for them.
Just having done my last chemo this past week, I'm waiting on my weekend ickiness that we've come to expect and with all this going on, I have felt very weak. I'm assuming (cuz I only got my own experiences to draw from) that it's not uncommon when you're feeling weak to worry even more...those thoughts of 'is the cancer winning' come crawling thru my brain and it's hard at times to suppress them. I'm trying my best and my husband is doing all he can do, to keep the spirits high regarding it all...I am truly blessed to have this man by my side during this journey cuz there are times I truly believe he is saving my life!
Where to start over the last couple of weeks...I guess with the stresses of home. Now one of the things that most 'natural healers' think about cancer is that stress is definitely not a friend. That's true of so many diseases of the body and cancer is no different. It's felt that it weakens your body, mind, & soul and allows the cancer down time to feed while your not on top of your game. My husband is changing jobs...now that's the good part cuz it's a place he wants to be and the financial opportunities are great but to get here was not the best of days. He loved where he was and so many of the people he worked with. There were things that we've gone thru doing my journey that they were all very supportive of (I wrote about the month they gave him off right after I was diagnosed to be with our family)...what I have left out along the way were the 'other' people...the ones that had no regard for other people, just their own profit...there were times that hubby was offered great opportunities to be with us but it came at the sacrifice financially of greedy people and we'd never know that until it was too late...it was amazing to me that there are those kinds of individuals in the world that don't see this rock we live on from a vantage point any further than the tip of their nose. I wondered at times if it'd of mattered to them that just by their actions how much they affected someone else's entire health & quality of life...it's a vague description, I know, but suffice it to say that the bad finally overcame the good that he got from his job & it was time to make a change.
Here comes more guilt. I have taken care of myself since I was 20 years old. I've worked in the bar & restaurant industry for most of that and made a good living. Even in times when I had a partner, I've always been able to carry my own load plus. My husband wanted me to be a stay at home mom after we sold our last business back in 2007 and I agreed but always knew in the back of my head that I had a job skill I could always rely on if at any time we needed it. We haven't but it was always a solace. It's hard now cuz I'm not physically capable of being in the atmosphere that I used to work in...it makes me feel helpless...more than helpless cuz I feel I put sooooo much more on my husband's shoulders with all the medical bills...he's such a strong man and never lets me wallow in that but I can't help but feel responsible for that added stress of him having to do it all himself...even worse, the stress I get from us being in a financial position to tell one of our kids no to something that usually would've been no big deal...it can be heart wrenching...
The good news is that hubs has landed the job he wanted and it looks that it's going to be a bright spot on the horizon as long as we can juggle enuff to get thru the next few weeks. It's a good time to be strapped if there is such a thing cuz our oldest is out of town visiting his mom for the summer and our middle one is taking a trip with her dad for a few weeks too, so at least we know they are having an opportunity to enjoy their summer break somehow even tho it kills us both that we're not the ones providing it for them.
Just having done my last chemo this past week, I'm waiting on my weekend ickiness that we've come to expect and with all this going on, I have felt very weak. I'm assuming (cuz I only got my own experiences to draw from) that it's not uncommon when you're feeling weak to worry even more...those thoughts of 'is the cancer winning' come crawling thru my brain and it's hard at times to suppress them. I'm trying my best and my husband is doing all he can do, to keep the spirits high regarding it all...I am truly blessed to have this man by my side during this journey cuz there are times I truly believe he is saving my life!
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