Blood from a turnip....

It amazes me, in this economy where people are declaring bankruptcy and don't have the money to pay bills, that when you try to do the right thing, you're met with rudeness...the fun with the medical bills begin...I had one of the places I've had to go for PET scans call becuz I have a balance due to them. I know this, I get my mail. She started with asking me which credit or debit card I'd like to pay the balance with...what?!?! Yep, I have credit cards just laying around to slap a couple of grand on...are you kidding me!? Now this isn't a bill I've ignored. I've had to see them twice and paid them over $500 in those two visits and just sent another payment a couple of days ago. I told her this and she told me we could set up a payment plan. Okay, I can do that, I've done that with all $15,000 worth of bills I've accumulated thus far. This just happened to be the one person I hadn't called myself first. So she goes on to ask me if $200 a month was good....uh, noooo...I have 3 children, regular bills, and about a dozen doctors and specialists to send money to every month...she proceeds to tell me that $200 is the least they can accept...what?!! The least you can accept!?! I'm sitting here willing to send you at least some money every month instead of ignoring you and letting it all drift into collections and you're telling me that what I can pay isn't good enuff...how many people pay you nothing?! How many people don't bother to try?! What makes your business any more or less important than the surgeon who removed my cyst, the hospital he did it in, the anesthesiologist, my oncologist, the chemo they're putting in my system, the labs that have to be run on me?! Would you prefer I don't pay them and let the cancer kill me so you can close my account entirely?! This woman had no answers for me other than 'we can't do that'...I unfortunately lost my cool by the end of this conversation and told her she'd hafta do what she had to do with my account cuz I was totally done talking to her...and these people deal with cancer patients on a regular basis and this is how they treat people who are willing to try to do the right thing...hmmmmm, thanks for ruining my day, lady, cuz I hadn't been reminded in a few days how helpless cancer can make you feel!

Pink is my new favorite color!

It's amazing to me how much a little rubber bracelet can put people at ease. I started wearing breast cancer bracelets a few weeks ago and it seems that opened the flood gate to questions...I know some people who go thru this want to keep it private but considering the fact I'm writing a blog on the internet I guess it goes without saying that I'm very vocal about my journey. Awareness is the key and I will shout that from the rooftops. I love my little bracelets. My kids wear them, my husband wears one, and I've given out a couple dozen of them along the way. People see my bald head or a bandanna tied around it and wonder, but they see my bracelet and it's like it opens the door for them to ask and gives me the opportunity to share whatever part of my journey might be beneficial to them...early detection if it's a young person I'm talking to, the importance of spousal support if it's a man, whatever the subject needs to be...I'm linking myself to this little website 'The Long Road Home' cuz they have a few cute little different bracelets they're selling...the messages on them are different but the pink color still screams cancer warrior! Check them out if you get a minute on my links page and know that they support Susan G Komen with their proceeds!
There's nothing sexier for my husband to wear than his 'Real men wear pink' tshirt!

Taken for granted

I've had a few achy days in the past couple of sessions but man, I think I took how well I've been doing thru chemo TOTALLY for granted...Saturday night after my Tuesday chemo, I started getting achy as usual and woke up Sunday feeling like I got hit by a truck....that's been pretty much how it's run the last couple of sessions, but I didn't know where we were going....the hubby had been sick last week and I'd chased him around with Lysol for days. Once he started acting better, I got lax...MISTAKE!! I guess in my weakened state, I did get a bit of his bug...the cough, the sneezes, feeling like my brain was leaking out my nose...
alas, that lasted for 4 days when the past sessions have only seen maybe a couple of days of aches and pains...won't be looking that gift horse in the mouth again.
One of my most interesting notations of chemo has been the steroid/tongue tug-o-war....they give you steroids to boost your appetite (and if weight is a sign of health, the 20lbs I've gained in the past 18 weeks must mean I'm healthy again). Chemo is poison and it kills fast growing cells in your body. Each session has attacked my tongue...it looks like I have a raging case of thrush...pleasant, I know, but I warned ya I'd be graphic at times...it hurts like someone sliced your tongue open and poured orange juice in it...you really don't have much taste at all...I haven't experienced the metal taste in my mouth since the first couple of sessions, but I think I'd rather have the metal taste than this ache...but alas, I digress my point...I can't taste much of anything and to be honest, don't really wanna eat much that will aggravate the pain in my mouth, yet I'm on the steroids and have an appetite like a starving horse...irony, huh? Oh well, maybe I should take the week of 'mangled tongue' to drop a couple of those huge pounds I've accumulated...LOL

Unanswered questions....

I've had quite a few people message me to ask why I'm not using names in my blog...as far as my husband and kids go, I don't want to publicize them...my older two kids are old enuff to have plenty of friends that are computer literate and I just think their privacy is the most important thing. Their friends know a bit of what we've been thru and some of them have even seen my bald head, but it's my kids' story to tell to whom they chose of their circle, not mine...as far as my husband goes, he wasn't home when I started this blog...without asking him, I was protecting him as I am my kids...since then, he's read this whole thing and has no problem with me using his name and I prolly will at some point without even thinking about it...he's been so supportive, my rock, my shoulder to lean and to cry on, my best friend to share all my fears and tears, and my constant...there are no words to describe this man who, in the face of his own anger and fear, has never wavered one bit in making sure that me and our children had his constant attention, love, and guidance...WOW, thru all I've written about, that was the first time I've had tears while I typed cuz there is just no way to explain how this man has helped to save my life in sooooo many ways...
As far as the doctors are concerned in my case, I have chosen not to publicly share them, both good and bad, for their privacy as well...no doubt there will be a bit of litigation involved from some, what we consider, careless actions, to say the least, and until that's done and over, I would be glad to share via email who they were if anyone is concerned that lives in my area. I would also be more than happy to share privately the names of my GP, radiologist, oncologist, and surgeon who have taken care of me since February becuz, quite frankly, they're the best!!
It's hard not to write in graphic detail about the anger my hubby and I have over the original doctors who handled my, and I use this word loosely, care...an OB who ignored my constant complaints of pain, a radiologist and breast specialist who, despite my history and questions, ignored doing the most important tests and instead chose to poke, prod, and needle me to the point of torture (and possibly the spread of cancer throughout my body)...we both just want to scream their names from the hilltops and tell people to stay away...but thru this experience of cancer, I am trying to learn a trait I've always been lacking on, and that's patience...patience that in the end they will not only understand what they did to me, but did to my husband, my kids, my parents, my in-laws, my friends, by putting me in a position to wonder just how long I might be on this earth....these doctors are just people and I don't ever expect people not to make mistakes, but carelessness in a profession they've chosen when the signs are written on the wall in fluorescent paint is unforgivable.
It's a wonderful lesson that I've learned that, no matter what you do for a living, you never know just exactly what action you take, decision you make, or word you say might affect countless of other people down the road...

Decisions, decisions

It's weighed on my mind a bit that I'm gonna need to make some decisions about what I'm gonna do after the chemo is done. When we started this journey, it was gonna be simple, chemo, double mastectomy, then reconstruct....then I got slapped in the side of the head by it spreading and now we're to the point that surgery isn't a need...or is it?
A mastectomy isn't necessary now, as my doctor explained, once the cancer was out of my breast, it could reoccur anywhere, so the sense of lopping off both breasts is moot. (Here's one of those 'I have no modesty anymore' subjects coming up>>>) I have the one side that the surgeon removed a fist sized cyst from so, needless to say, it's a bit smaller than the other, prolly about a cup size. It has this beautiful smiley face scar (sarcasm) around the bottom of it....kinda looks like a smiling cyclops...LOL...when I first had it done and the staples came out, it was really indented and I hated to look at it or even touch it...it just felt wrong...but as the weeks have gone by, and the healing process has kicked it, it's popped back out pretty well and it's prolly only about a half cup size smaller than the other but it is a bit 'higher' (I have had two kids after all)....
Reconstruction has to be covered by my insurance in this case and I'm needing to make a decision about if I want to do it or not pretty quickly since I don't wanna procrastinate into next year and then decide I want it and hafta to pay another fresh deductible....but everytime I really try to figure out how I feel about it, the confusion begins...the vain side of me thinks, hey, perky new boobies and how many chicks get that covered by insurance...but then the trauma of the pain and agony of the last year kicks in and I wonder if I really want to put my body thru that just for the sake of aesthetics. I look okay in clothes and my husband isn't a breast man (I know that's hard to believe, but it's true)...at times, it seems pretty trivial of me to beat this horrific disease just to be concerned about what my tata's look like in the mirror instead of investing every moment of every day treasuring the fact that I'm on my way back to healthy...when it was a medical necessity to have surgery (mastectomy) it was a no brainer...while they're there, make me some new ones...LOL....but now that it's a choice, I'm torn....
Back in my 'hay day' I had some smokin' girlfriends and quite a few of them had boob jobs in their 20's...I always thought 'why the heck would ya wanna have your body ripped open and foreign objects put into it if you didn't hafta'...I've weighed 95lbs to 150lbs over my lifetime (and can be anything in between at any moment)...my breasts have been everything from nonexistent to enormous depending on my weight...I've really never cared or had a preference...they were what they were...now, I'm faced with this decision and it's a lot more difficult than the others....from the beginning, my choices were clear, do whatever, no matter how radical, to get the cancer out of my body...now we're to this choice and it seems this one isn't so clear....

Sometimes you gotta fight against the norm...

So my husband is not feeling well...sore throat, achy, just overall icky...it's hard...as a Mom & wife it's just in your genetic fiber to wanna baby your family when they get sick, but it's not in the best interest of my health. It's frustrating but an evil necessity to stay away...doesn't do anyone in the family any good to have Mom go down cuz she's caught a bug...
It must be slightly what emasculation feels like...LOL

Knowledge is power!

I had a girlfriend today send me a note about her sister that lost her battle to cancer at the age of 28. She said that she didn't talk much about what she was going thru...my Mom was the same way. I've written a bit about her but haven't gotten into any detail about what a incredible woman she was...I was an only child, which screams spoiled in the first place, but my Mom was literally my best friend...now don't get me wrong, she was a parent first and foremost but after I got out on my own and the parenting time was basically over, she became my confidante, my conscience, my shrink, my adviser, my 'BFF'...
She was diagnosed with breast cancer and her & my Dad didn't tell me until she was almost to the surgery stage of her treatments. They did it to 'protect' me and I was definitely mad as a hornet over it for a while. At this point in my life, with 3 kids and going thru chemo, I can understand their position, but I choose a different course of action. My kids have known things as we've traveled this path. We've been careful with what, how much, and when we've told them things but, for the most part, they've been privvy to it all...I have a daughter who I never want to see go thru this. I want her to know what it's like, not to scare her, but to make her vigilant about her own health as she gets older and gets out on her own where I can't make her eat right & get regular check ups....I want my two boys to understand the plight of this predominantly female disease and how it affects a family and how their Dad supports and takes care of us, as an example of what a great husband, father, & man should be...children are so much smarter than we give them credit for sometimes, as well as being incredibly resilient. There have literally been days in the past year that they have been what gets me thru a day...

What the future brings...

So I have my 6th chemo treatment in two days...don't know what that means exactly cuz we started this process with the fact we'd do 6 then maintenance chemo...the last trip to my oncologist he wanted me to get an echo and said we'd determine from there if we'd do 1 or 2 more. My echo came back good so I would assume this would be my 2nd to the last. One of my meds is a 'big dog' and can damage the heart. I'm told I can only take it once in my life so we want to get as much of it in me as my body can handle now. In one sense I hope this is my last treatment cuz I would really like to get this all behind me, but on the other hand, there is something comforting being on chemo cuz I know there's meds coursing thru my veins that is fighting the disease in my cells. It's also kinda nerve wracking to know we're almost to the point of needing to do another PET scan...sometimes ignorant bliss is more peaceful...there's no reason to think it won't come back as great as the last one I took but for the rest of my life I'll be doing PET scans and waiting to see if the enemy has returned. It's like living in a continuous state of anxiety...

Never thought it'd be me...

After bartending, managing, and owning bars for the last 20 years, I've thrown alot of benefits for different things and different people. I did run a cancer benefit years ago, but most of them were for local people who had been hit with local problems, like hurricane damage...I was asked today if a team that is walking in the 3 Day could use my name for the 'In honor of'. Gotta say I was honored but it's one of those things that bring it all back into focus that I'm sick....big time sick...it's kinda eerie and wonderful all at the same time, but if it means gettin' people out to their benefit to raise the money they need to walk...I'M SOOOOO IN!

Mama never said there'd be days like these...

These are the days I get to remember exactly what I look like...it's my son's birthday and we're gonna take him out to eat...trying to figure out what you want to 'dress up' in that you have something that can go on your bald head to match is exhausting...oh well, it's all about us being together as a family to celebrate the big 14 anyway...they grow up soooo fast...that is one thing positive cancer has brought to my life...it seems life is so much more precious and I don't take too many 'great little moments' for granted!! Thanks evil critters!