Now that I got you caught up on the medical aspects of my condition, it's time for a bit my depth into the psychology of my disease. I mentioned the depression at the diagnosis of the brain cancer and the hiding from the disease itself. Throughout the radiation and the first couple of chemos I thought I was done. My Mother got to a point she stopped all her testings and refused anymore treatments. I resented her for that for so long...I apologized to her last month....she died June 4, 2007...not from the actual cancer but from a complication of cancer, about 15 years after she stopped taking her tests. She lived it out her way. My chemo went so easily last year I really wondered why in the heck she didn't wanna fight for every breath she could have in this world. Then this year came. Though our situations were different, she fought colon cancer with reconstruction, I fought brain with radiation, the pain and the sickness had to be similar. I got to a point that I told my Dad and hubby that I was beginning to understand why Mom stopped it all and just wanted to live as normally as possible. I was getting tired of constant pain, constant wasting, constantly looking like an alien, and constant bad news. Just living a few months being normal, without meds, with hair, and no tests would be so refreshing. I really got why my Mother made the choices she made....I also had to realize that I didn't have the luxury of being selfish. It was selfish to leave me and my Dad without her in this world cuz she had no idea how very much we needed her. She didn't make that decision to be selfish though, she couldn't take it anymore and we had to be selfLESS and understand that we were grown adults, able to take care of ourselves...I have babies...a 1year old, 12 year old, and 15 year old that NEEDED me to take care of them. I have a husband that NEEDS me to help him raise them. I have a Father that can't take watching his only child die of the same disease that was responsible for taking his wife of almost 5 decades. I had to be here!! It reaffirmed my commitment to doing whatever it took to stay in this world for as long as possible. I wasn't quite ready to be the patriot of cancer again yet but I was ready to fight like hell for me and my family...maybe the desire to be an example would come back to....and ya know, I just realized...I got back to blogging tonite...maybe that 'example thing' was coming back to!! =)
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