My husband and I went to oncologist's office that Monday morning...the doctor came in and began asking me questions...did I have any pain, did I have any exhaustion, did I have any weight changes...was he kiddin' me...I'd been pregnant and carried around a grapefruit sized cyst that festered in my boob over the last year...I had all those things, but since the surgery, I felt the best I had in a year...it was all good....get to it, doc...
the next 45 seconds were the ones that were going to change my life, the lives of my kids, the life of my husband, the lives of my family, and the lives of my friends...
the PET scan had lit up and shown the cancer had escaped my breast and found it's way into my bones, my liver, and my lymph nodes...I sat paralyzed...no tears, no breath, no words...paralyzed...I swear I thought I just heard him say 'you're dying'...wait, no that's not what he said...what did he say? I was spiraling in my mind and couldn't breathe...the doctor continued on to tell me what course he wanted to take...chemo, STRONG chemo, and IMMEDIATELY...I didn't have time to digest any of this but he kept talking and wanted me to take a tour of the chemo room with a nurse...SLOW DOWN, I'm still not on the same page yet, what were we going to do?!? I'm so lost in my head, it's bitterly quiet in there...the doctor finally finished and left the room so we could 'have a minute'...I sat there with tears running down my cheeks, feeling like someone just punched me in the stomach, holding, more like grasping, onto my husband...I had advanced stage IV breast cancer that was now growing in my body...was I going to die?
the next 45 seconds were the ones that were going to change my life, the lives of my kids, the life of my husband, the lives of my family, and the lives of my friends...
the PET scan had lit up and shown the cancer had escaped my breast and found it's way into my bones, my liver, and my lymph nodes...I sat paralyzed...no tears, no breath, no words...paralyzed...I swear I thought I just heard him say 'you're dying'...wait, no that's not what he said...what did he say? I was spiraling in my mind and couldn't breathe...the doctor continued on to tell me what course he wanted to take...chemo, STRONG chemo, and IMMEDIATELY...I didn't have time to digest any of this but he kept talking and wanted me to take a tour of the chemo room with a nurse...SLOW DOWN, I'm still not on the same page yet, what were we going to do?!? I'm so lost in my head, it's bitterly quiet in there...the doctor finally finished and left the room so we could 'have a minute'...I sat there with tears running down my cheeks, feeling like someone just punched me in the stomach, holding, more like grasping, onto my husband...I had advanced stage IV breast cancer that was now growing in my body...was I going to die?
Oh, LeeAnn, my prayers will always be with you. You're such an inspiration even to those of us not going through what you are. You're strong and beautiful and I'm sure your message will help many women who may feel the way you do but aren't able to put their thoughts into words.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you tonight.
I was sent to your blog by someone on FB- truthfully, I can't even remember who. This morning, I read your first 8 entries and then I picked up again just now. I see that this entry is dated...only May 27??? I so hope that you are doing well...
ReplyDeleteI'm shocked that you have so few comments...I'm not sure why that would be. I guess many people wouldn't know what to say, I know that I don't know what to say...but I also know that, as a writer, I live on comments to my writing, so I'm hoping that you have an inkling of how wonderful it is that you are sharing this way.
Sending much love your way!!
~Tracy
Thank Tracy for not only reading but posting me your thoughts. I do understand that a lot of people find it hard to know what to say so they say nothing. That's okay too. I just wanted to chronicle this ride in hopes that someone else can find some solace in it somewhere. It gives my journey some meaning! =)
ReplyDelete