You're given alot of information when you're diagnosed with cancer...what to expect physically and somewhat psychologically and how to treat those kinds of things but what you're not told about is the hideous guilt cancer can bring...I felt soooo guilty...my husband didn't ask for this...he had just married a healthy independent woman who could handle anything. We were suppose to be partners, he wasn't suppose to be my nurse...my kids didn't ask for this...I was trying so hard to act as normal as I could for them but I knew they sensed my fear and had already been thru so much helping out in the house and with the baby thru the last couple of months with my pain and craziness and they had to wake up everyday not knowing what to expect, if I was going to be in pain, grumpy, or in a great mood. Sometimes they gotta feel like they're living with Cybil...my family didn't ask for this...my Dad was terrified for me and I know he had to be thinking that you're not supposed to outlive your children and I know it was bringing back to him all the horror of what Mom went thru...my mom-in-law had already been spending almost every day off she had babysitting our little one while I had to take tests and go to appointments...and this was only the very beginning of the treatments and we didn't have a clue what to expect in the future...this was all becuz of me...it was, and remains, an overwhelming feeling of guilt that, even tho you know it's thru no fault of your own, your cancer is taking over so many people's lives...it remains something I battle with and sometimes drives me to try to do more than I should to give some kind of semblance of normalcy to our world. Then when I overdo it and feel bad, the guilt is multiplied when my family has to take up the slack...no matter what, you can't get around the guilt, you can't suppress it, you can't make it disappear...it's there, and it's there with you everyday....
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